Heart Walk, Heart Disease & Me

It's funny the amount of memories the human mind can store, for recall at a moments notice.

Like the Christmas time that we had to call the paramedics to Santa's Enchanted Forest (a theme park) because my mom was having a mild heart attack.

Or the time that my mom performed CPR on a stranger who was going into cardiac arrest.

There was the time that I got home from school to find that my father had been taken by ambulance to the hospital because he was having chest pains, and we feared that he might be having a heart attack.

Or the time that doctors first explained to me that my mom has a leaky valve in her heart.

I can still remember looking up Atrial Fibrillation for the first time so that I could understand another condition that had been plaguing my mother for years.

By now, if you're following my Facebook page, then you know that I have signed up to do the Heart Walk in October to raise money for the American Heart Association.  It's not just about me losing weight or walking to get healthy.  It's not just about me raising money for some random charity.

There's a personal connection for me.

I already have a handful of people who have promised to walk with me that day.  I'm nervously pending their registration to confirm that they mean it when they say that they will join my team.

The hard part is reaching the $100 fundraising goal that I've set for myself, or helping my team reach the $1,000 fundraising goal that I set for it.

I've come to realize that the Chubby Chick for Charity project is asking a lot of others...in tough economic times, I'm asking for people to reach in their pocket and hand out their hard earned cash JUST to motivate me and help some random charity.  But, I like to think that I don't ask any more of people than they are able to comfortably give.  For example, if I could get 100 people to just pledge $1.00 for the walk-a-thon, I would easily reach my fundraising goal for the price of a bottle of water.

At most, if I could get 20 people to pledge $5.00 - less than a McDonald's value meal - I'd still be successful in my fundraising goals.

$100 seemed like a reasonable goal at first, but I suppose that only time will tell.

UPDATE:  In the couple of hours since I first posted this, two of my beloved Chubby Chasers have stepped up and "single-handedly" helped me reach my goal!  Louis Mariscal has pledged a $50.00 donation and Taryn Rusnell has once again stepped up with a work-out challenge!  Since I've declared Wednesdays to be "Walk-A-Thon Wednesday", Taryn has pledged $5.00 for every Wednesday I work out between now and the Heart Walk, for a possible total donation of $75!  Plus, to motivate her own health and fitness, Taryn has further pledged an additional $5.00 for any Wednesday that she DOES NOT work out.  Granted, I have a lot of work to do to earn Taryn's pledge, but with only 15 Wednesdays between now and then, I'm determined to milk her for every penny!  lol  Thank you, Thank you, Thank you to these two wonderful supporters!

What if?

I make no assumptions that, with diet and exercise, I'm going to become beautiful in the standardly accepted sense.

I'm 32 years old already.  The corners of my eyes are beginning to crinkle just a little and there are laugh lines just below my chubby cheeks.  I'm not pretending that 32 is old...but let's face it, I haven't taken care of my body and it's going to take a toll.  And sure, I often get mistaken for someone 10 years younger, but I know that will change when there is much less cellulite in my chunky face.

I have stretch marks, and my skin is already beginning to lose some of it's elasticity, which means my battle against the bulge could very well end with sagging skin to prove my success.

It is typically expected that - at my age...and having been overweight for as long as I have - some surgery will probably be necessary to remove excess skin if I should reach my ideal goal.  Although some stretch marks may be removed in the process, they will more than likely be replaced with some surgical scars.

I'm not expecting to wear bikinis or to go sleeveless.  I hold no illusions that I will become a model.  I just want to be healthy.  To feel better and, yes, I'll admit it - I'd like to look good in my clothes for a change.  I'd like to have an outfit or two that makes me feel sexy or pretty or desirable.  I'd like to have a "little black dress".  I'd like to maybe put on a pair or shorts in the summer.  Maybe...just maybe...I can get to a place where I'm comfortable enough to wear a bathing suit and t-shirt back into the pool.

I don't think that's asking for or expecting too much.

But then, there are these pictures of these women who were large, and they lost the weight and they're adorable.  You don't see any of the flabby signs of their former selves - they go sleeveless without the skin flaps that sway in the breeze or the thigh flabs that drape over their knees.

Maybe they weren't as heavy as me.  Maybe they weren't heavy as long as me.  Maybe they're younger.

But then maybe...JUST MAYBE...that could be me.

What if I could possibly achieve more than I set out to achieve?

What if, for once, I could go out with my girlfriends and be the one who gets the attention?

What if I could jump in the swimming pool...WITHOUT the extra t-shirt for coverage?

What if I could ROCK that freaking black dress so well that the guys would be drooling?

What if, for the first time in my life, I got a guys number simply because he was attracted to me?

I'm not striving for that, and I won't even allow myself to hope for it.  But tonight, for the first time, I allowed myself to dream that there could be more for me than just "being healthy" and "feeling better".   Maybe...just maybe...I could get good at this health and fitness stuff.  Maybe I could achieve more than I ever expected or hoped I could.

It's not my goal...but it's nice to accept that it's a possibility.

My future is unwritten.  I'm not just turning a page...I'm starting a whole new book, and the possibilities are limitless.

I did the math today and calculated - if I steadily lose two lbs a week without fail - I will not reach my ideal goal weight until April of 2015.  Nearly two years away.

Needless to say, I was disheartened and overwhelmed by the odds.  The journey just looks so freaking arduous and, of course, I want results now.  The thought that I have to maintain my will power for two years to get where I want to be...when my will power has been SO wavering...the whole thing just looks daunting.

But allowing myself the possibility that I could be beautiful (per society's standards) in that two years time...that I could BE somebody I've never had the nerve to be...it will all be worth it, won't it?

So, for tonight...I'm not getting my hopes up.  But, I'm relishing just a little bit in the unknown and possibilities and limitless futures and it makes what was once daunting feel exciting.

I'm going to be somebody new one day.  That package is wrapped and under the tree with a big old sign on it that reads "Do Not Open Until 2015" and you know what....I can't wait to see what's hidden inside.

The Key Is Moderation...

I've come to realize that diet and exercise can't be an all or nothing kind of thing.

My will power is at it's very worst late night/early morning.  I don't know if it has something to do with being tired or sleepy or what not, but cravings seem to hit and I just don't have the stamina to fight them off during those hours.

But, the other day, something clicked for me.  Diet and exercise doesn't have to be an all or nothing thing.

I have a tendency to go to extremes, which, when it comes to my health, means that I am either a lazy, gluttonous slob or I am a Jillian Michaels wannabe.

The trick is compromise.

I think, one of the reasons my midnight cravings are so hard to deny is because I spend so much of my energy denying myself in the daytime hours.  I exhaust myself, telling myself I can't have *ANY* of the "junk food" that I want for most of my waking hours and then, BAM, darkness falls and my subconcious is shrieking "WANT JUNK FOOD" so badly that I can't think straight.

I thought that allowing myself a little bit would be a mistake, because I'd only want more.  And, that is true to a degree.  But the difference is that it is easier to tell myself that I can't have more than it is to tell myself that I can't have any at all.

For example, I worked as a cashier today and there was a woman in my line who was happily sipping on Pepsi in a clear cup with a clear straw and I suddenly wanted Pepsi so bad that I was practically drooling.

So, on my break, I bought a refillable fountain cup and filled it with Pepsi.  It tasted good and triggered that automatic desire for more...but the guilt began to set in just enough that I threw away the cup and forewent my free refills.

Had I not given in to just a little temptation, I would more than likely be driving to McDonald's at midnight to buy two large Cokes and then chugged them down before drowning guilt and self loathing.

I've heard it said a billion times that the trick to diet and exercise is moderation and I've always scoffed at the idea.  Or, I would think moderation meant scheduling a "cheat day" or some grand notion like that.  But, it's the little things - like a 150 calorie soda "binge" - that just may help to cure me of the crazy, gluttonous midnight munchies.

At least...I hope so.

There Is No Good Time...

I know I said it previously, but I'm coming to believe more and more that there is no "good time" to start a diet, or no "right time" to exercise.

Since being dumped by my ex, I'm been in a bit of a funk.  Luckily, it hasn't triggered a more severe depression...just the normal, single girl kind of blues.  Still, this funk has clung to me and been difficult to shake and is a big reason why I've had such a roller coaster week when it comes to adhering to my diet.  While I'm feeling bad about myself, or insecure or worthless, it's really hard to put the energy into caring about what I eat.  I haven't done too bad, but there have been some notable slip-ups.

Today, I was feeling pretty good about myself.  I kept under my calorie goal yesterday AND went to the gym for a 30 minute work out (tore up my last pair of sneakers in the process, but it was worth it).  Then, before I went to bed, I packed a healthy breakfast and lunch so that I'd be prepared for the day today.  I'm proud to say that - even with an unexpected family dinner at Applebee's, that I came in at just over 1,200 calories today (the "healthy" minimum for an adult)...and there was still room for jello!

I've also begun to find a healthy place in regards to the end of my last relationship.  I've started to look at the greater picture...at what I want in the years ahead, at what makes me happy, at what is best for me...and I'm coming to accept that my exboyfriend was not it.  There is still some anger and resentment, but I feel like I'm finally working towards letting it go.

But, while taking pride in these tiny little accomplishments, I'm reminded that - in life - the good will always come with the bad.

Today I learned that - after a life long battle with severe depression - my Aunt gave in and took her life.  My uncle - my dear, sweet, kind, good hearted, hard working uncle - woke up to find his wife of many, many years had passed away as he slept.  My Aunt had been really struggling lately - in and out of hospitals that kept hoping they were finally getting her adjusted to new medications and dosages - overdosed last night before laying down by my Uncle's side to fall asleep for the last time.

She leaves behind my cousin, cousin-in-law and two granddaughters, as well as numerous extended family members such as myself.

So, for you, my beloved Chubby Chasers, please take this as a reminder that THERE IS NO GOOD TIME.  Don't wait for "next week" to live a better life - a diet started on Wednesday is just as significant as a diet started on Sunday.  Don't wait for your parents to be healthier, or your broken heart to mend or for life to be all sunshine and roses, because such things are luxuries in this life.  Seize the day and make it what you want it to be.  Seize the day and be IN THIS MOMENT who you want to be.  Stop waiting for "some day".  Stop waiting for it to get easier.  Stop waiting till life is stable and you're happier.  If you want things to change, you have to do the work and there is no better time to start than the present, because tomorrow is promised to no one.

RIP Aunt Liz.  Obviously, you were loved much more than you knew.

Just a short little update...

This will be a short one - going through some more emotional turmoil due to the break-up and don't feel like purging it on here, so I'll stick to the weight loss stuff tonight.

I only worked out once last week, which is not good nor is it a good use of the investment I made into joining a gym.  To my excuse, the only pair of sneakers I own are falling apart to the point that the sole of the left shoe has completely detached from the heel.  I could pick up some cheap sneaks, which is what I will probably end up doing, but I would really, really like to invest in a pair of GOOD walking shoes that will support both my heels (which tend to experience pain) and my very weak ankles.  Still, I intend not to let that become an excuse this week, even if I have to work out in $5 Payless shoes.

I decided to give in and just eat whatever I wanted at BJ's Brewhouse last night, though I quickly filled up before finishing my dinner and then had absolutely no room for the Pizookie's that I so love and adore.  Ended up getting a bite out of a humongous pizookie they served on the house, but that was about it.  Then, today's been such a sleepy, lazy day that I just ate whatever was available.

When I sat at the computer tonight to update My Fitness Pal, I was sure I was going to TOTALLY BLOW my caloric goals, but I actually managed to stay under them both nights without even trying!  So, I got off lucky this time, but need to get over my emotional drama and focus on what the hell I'm doing.

I'm not sure if I mentioned this yesterday, or if my scale is even trustworthy, but I supposedly lost five lbs since Monday.

There's been one more change.  If you log onto the Chubby Chick For Charity's Facebook Page, you will now see a picture of me at my heaviest.  My profile picture shows me near a total of 400 lbs...over 60 lbs heavier than I am now.  So far, I've lost a small child.  lol

So, that's all for tonight.  Tomorrow's a new day and I hope that this journey will help my heart to heal even faster than usual.  :o)  Thanks for sticking by me!

It's never easy...

Remember that nice guy I told you was supporting me in my exercise and weight loss?  The one who "loved" me as I am?

He's the reason that I want to bury myself in chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream right now.

We were together less than two months and in that time, he's managed to majorly hurt me four times.  Today was the fourth and final time.  I think, what makes it so hard, is how badly he begged for me back less than a week ago, and how frequently in that week he told me that he loved me and how happy I made him.

Then...as is his habit...he broke the news to me on Facebook because he can't man up to have these conversations in person.

I was with him less than twelve hours before he did it.  Less than twelve hours before, he told me he loved me and how happy I made him and how very lucky he was...and then, he tells me that he's been on a dating site and has met somebody else and that he thinks he must be unhappy with me if he keeps looking for love and happiness elsewhere.

I know he's not the one for me.  I know, now, that this was not the relationship I was meant to end up in...but it doesn't stop it from hurting me and pissing me off to no end.  It doesn't prevent that cycle of emotions I always experience after a break up:  the hurt, anger and depression.  It doesn't stop me from wanting to self medicate with everything tasty within arms reach.

On the other end of the spectrum, my eldest niece graduated tonight.  There were not enough tickets for me to attend the graduation in person, but I had the good fortune of watching her graduate on a live steam online.

Her graduation is bittersweet for me.  Or, perhaps it is only bittersweet because of the emotional turmoil I am experiencing today.  I love her so very much and I am so very, very proud of her...but I find myself wishing I had been a better Auntie so that we could be closer at this time.

Her graduation reminds me of mine 13 years ago, and all the promise that lie before me then and all of the ways I've failed myself over and over again that have led to this point in my adult life.

Of course, I won't tell my young, intelligent, beautiful, bright-eyed niece that on her graduation day.  I'll go to BJ's Brewhouse with my 1,000 calories that I have left over on my diet plan and I'll eat the Caesar Salad that fits into my diet plan with a side of grilled chicken, and I won't devour the Pizookie's that are promising me the happiness that my "boyfriend" failed to deliver.

There is never a good time to start a diet.  There is never a right time to join a gym, or start walking, or get those damned tennis shoes that are good for you.  You just have to shut up, suck it up and fucking do it.

I can cry my eyes out on the treadmill tomorrow.

Guess Who's Back...Back Again...ChuChi's Back...Tell A Friend!

Yes, I've lost touch.

Yes, I have not actively sought to lose weight.

Yes, my eating habits returned to "normal".

Yes, I have not been actively exercising.

Yes, I have gained a couple of the pounds that I have lost.

But I have not failed.  

I have not failed because I managed to keep off the grand majority of the weight I've lost.  (In the past six months, I've only put back on 10 lbs despite dealing with major stress, depression and anxiety.)

I have not failed because I'M BACK.  Failure suggests an ending, and my journey has only been paused.

I have not failed because this time, I've found a gym that I can afford.  A gym with a personal trainer who can help me to design a work out plan and a diet that will work for me.

I have not failed because I've found somebody to exercise and diet with who can motivate and inspire me while I motivate and inspire him in return.

I have not failed because I have not given up.  I knew this day would come, when my personal issues would quiet down and I could give healthy living another go.

I know life will get in the way some times and I know that I can't always use it as an excuse.  I know that it was weak of me to give in to outside pressures over the past few months, but learning and changing old habits takes time.

And I WILL get there.

So, I pigged out on cookies this morning because I knew that tomorrow, CHUCHI IS BACK!

This Memorial Day is not only in memory of those brave men and women who have died for my freedom in battle, but it is a burying of the me I used to be and the beginning of another battle in the war for my health.

Mom has been seeing some new doctors recently and is finally getting some pain management and treatment for the other issues which continue to ail her.  We are fortunate in that her Leukemia still seems to be at bay and I pray that she is on the road to become the go-getter that she used to be.

My father has undergone the fourth surgery on his right knee and the infection that plagued him is FINALLY gone.  The first time he stood up on his own two feet in nine months, my mother and father cried as I simply rushed to his side and hugged him tight.  He is only three weeks out from surgery and is still recovering from surgery and numerous complications he's experienced along the way...but the arduous journey to this point is over and he is beginning to resume being the strong, proud husband, father and caretaker that I have always known and loved.

As for me, the Chubby Chick has found someone who loves her as the Chubby Chick that she is.  To respect his privacy, I shall nickname him "The Robust Romeo".  Although his battle with the bulge is nowhere near as epic as mine, and although he honestly loves me - curves and all - we've agreed to work out together and support each other in trying to live healthier lives.

As of tonight, I've signed up for a gym called Planet Fitness and I am VERY excited to get started - the gym is only $20 a month and it includes cardio machines, resistance training, strength training and a 30 minute circuit (which was what I loved about Curves) in addition to water massage beds and massage chairs to reduce the risk of injury and tanning beds so that the Chuchi might actually have a tan for the first time in her long, white life.

I know I need to prove myself to all of you...that I'm not such a flake and that I really am in this for the long haul, so I am not going to be requesting any donations at this time.   The first ten pounds are all on me - to prove I can do it.  Once I get back down to where I was when everything went bad, I'll get started back on earning money for charity.  :o)

Thanks for your support, encouragement, inspiration, motivation and most importantly - patience.