Nov. 25: Healing...

I've been afraid to write this blog.

For one, although I am "anonymous" - many of my Chubby Chasers are real life friends and family, which means that I am not nearly as anonymous as I may originally seem.  What I say on this blog and this site can impact the way people look, think about or treat me in real life.  It can affect my relationships and my reputation.

However, when I started this journey as the Chubby Chick, I said that I wouldn't have any secrets and that I wouldn't lie to you.  If there is something that is impacting my weight, my health or my overall journey, I promised that I would share it with you or I may as well not even bother doing this.  It's an all or nothing thing, right?  If I'm going to half ass it, I may as well just throw in the towel.

As of this moment, I have 49 Chubby Chasers, I've earned $376.90 for seven different charities and I've lost over 35 pounds in less than four months.

I'm not throwing in the damn towel.

So, with that being said, I hope that those of you who know me personally will not look at me any differently.  I am not asking for your sympathy or pity either.  And, if at all possible - please don't spread what you learn here to anyone else outside of the Chubby Chaser circle.  I'm trusting you with this information because you have chosen to support me in my weight loss journey and because you have stood on the front line and been the first ones to challenge me and make pledges and follow through on your pledges to charity.

First, the good news.  Although you have not really heard much from me since the beginning of the month...although I have not been on a strict diet and exercise regiment...I have managed to maintain my weight at approximately 330 - 332 lbs, which is where I began the month.

As a teenager, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder - otherwise known as Manic Depression.  I am going to write this blog for those of you who know nothing about the disorder or its treatment so, for those of you who are more familiar with it, this may seem a little elementary.

Most people are a bit more familiar with Depression - which is a feeling of sadness.  When you are clinically depressed, the feeling of sadness may come on for no particular reason, or it may be overwhelming wear you  simply can't come out of it.  Severe depression can last for days, weeks or months at a time and may lead to thoughts of self harm or suicide if left untreated.

Clinical Depression is just a part of Bipolar Disorder.

Bipolor Disorder is often referred to as Manic Depression because you can also experience episodes of "Mania" - extreme hyper activity, happiness, joy, laughter, productivity.  Personally, I never have more fun, nor am I more fun to hang out with when I am experiencing this kind of mania.

But, there is a flip side to this mania, and it literally comes on in the blink of an eye.  It's agitation, irritability, aggravation, anger and full on, irrational, illogical and blinding rage.  In a healthy state of mind, I am a peaceful, non-confrontational person who will often take abuse just to avoid having to confront someone to stand up for myself but, when the mania sets in, I am so full of hate and loathing and violence that I want to hurt someone.  I usually have just enough of "me" left inside that I have never physically hurt someone in one of these rages...but I've sadly made my mother cry and I've actually broken my pinky finger by punching a concrete wall once.

So, although I've been on prescription medication since I was a teenager, every so often, I'll get another medication for asthma or allergies or something, and a drug interaction might cause my mood prescription to stop working as well.  So I have to switch.  Or, maybe...after a few year of using a particular mood prescription, I start developing a tolerance...so I need a new dosage.  Another time, after I had gained a couple of hundred pounds, we found that excessive weight gain was a huge side effect of my mood enhancer - so the doctor thought we should try something else to see if that would help me to get the weight down.

Recently, I've noticed that my mood prescription hasn't been as helpful as it has in the past.  I've been having more bouts of depression and anger and less periods of stabilization.  So, my doctor decided to change my prescription to something new.  He advised me to start the new prescription immediately and started me at the lowest dose possible.

A few days after starting my new medication, I went into a happy, productive mania - but did not recognize the symptoms.  I mean, who EVER complains when they are euphoric and productive?  It wasn't after three days of euphoric happiness that I crashed and realized what was happening.  I left a message for my doctor's office, but didn't hear back.  It was Thursday, and I had already missed two days of work.

I called and left another message on Friday - again, with no response.  That night, I started having scary thoughts.

For those of you who have never experienced severe depression - there is a big difference between having suicidal thoughts and BEING suicidal.  The best way I can explain is - for any woman who saw the movie "Magic Mike" - thinking about stripping Channing Tatum, throwing him down on the bed and having your way with him does not constitute a PLAN for actually raping him.

A thought does not always equal a plan or intent.

By Saturday, my thoughts had turned dark, against my will.  This means that - although I was coherent, rational and logical and I knew that suicide was by no means the answer - it was on my mind.

Upon my request, my mother drove me to Urgent Care so that I could speak to a doctor about upping my new medication to the next dose.  If I had been familiar with it, I would have just done it on my own - but since it was new and I didn't know much about it, I just wanted to speak to a doctor before doubling up on it.  I was just trying to be responsible.

So, we go to Urgent Care and in the triage, the woman asks if I am suicidal.  I am trying to get my meds upped, so I assume it will be best to be honest.  I tell her I have no desire to kill myself, but I do have dark thoughts.  She asks me what thoughts and I explain that the sleeping pill thing crossed my mind a day or so ago.  She takes me to my bed where I wait to see the doctor.

The doctor comes by and asks me if I want to kill myself.  I say no.  She asks me why I told the triage nurse that I did.  Now, I'm getting pissed.  I explain that I never told her I wanted to kill myself - I just explained that I've been feeling down and having dark thoughts, but that I have no desire to hurt myself and that is why I am here to ask if I can up my meds.  The doctor says it sounds suspicious because now I am changing my story.  Now, I'm losing my temper.  I say I'm not changing my story - a couple of days ago, I had a thought about taking sleeping pills - I didn't do it, I have no desire to do it, that why I didn't do it, that's why I'm still alive and if I wanted to hurt myself I wouldn't ask my mom to drive me to a hospital so that I could ask a doctor if it would be safe for me to take an extra pill.

The doctor leaves.

I start bawling cuz I'm scared shitless.  Mom tells me I shouldn't have told them I was having dark thoughts, cuz now they think I'm crazy...which makes me cry harder.  Mom tells me I shouldn't be crying because it's only going to make them think worse, which pisses me off, so I stop crying, wipe my eyes and kick my shoes off.

Mom tells me not to get mad because my sudden mood swings are going to make them think they are right.  Now I'm even madder.  I can feel my face changing color and I feel like "HULK, SMASH!" and my mom's eyes bug out and she says "I don't know - maybe you need to go..." Which makes me sad because I'm scaring her and hurts my feelings because she's saying she things I'm crazy and makes me made because she won't stop talking and I'm mad for being honest and I'm mad for asking her to bring me here and I'm mad for not just taking an extra pill instead of trying to do the right thing and I'm mad because I lost my license and I'm mad because I think it's too late for me to just grab my shit and run for the door and...

Mom starts tearing up and I take a deep breath, trying to get myself under control - willing my face to return to the normal control so I don't look crazy anymore, even though my heart is pounding.  The doctor pulls the curtain wide open and she is there with what looks like two nurses and a security guard.

"You're going to Baker Act me."  I claim, as calm as I can, although the tears are already beginning to fall.

For those of you not in the know, Baker Act is a Florida Statute that allows you to place someone in a Psychiatric hold for no less than 72 hours if a family member or medical professional deems them to be a danger to themselves or others.

"I'm sorry, but we can't take a risk-"  She starts.

"Even though I've told you I have no intention to hurt myself and I came here to ask for permission to up my meds so that I specifically would not harm myself?"  I asked.

"You said you had intentions to take sleeping pills."

"And there's nothing I can do about it?  At this point, I'm a prisoner, is that correct?  If I were to try to get up and walk out that door, you're going to what?  Have him tackle me?  Sedate me?  Tie me to a bed like some lunatic all because I came here and asked you for help?"  I asked, indignant tears pouring down my cheeks.

I have to admit, she looked a little embarrassed at that one.  "Yes, he would try to stop you."

"Fine.  Do whatever you have to do."  I started bawling in front of all of them, but you're not really given much dignity after that anyway.  One of the nurses came right up in my face and started babying, rubbing my shoulder and telling me it was going to be alright.  Like I said - although your moods are all over the place - you are logical and rational...you are just not always capable of behaving in the most rational, logical way.  So, I stayed quiet for as long as I could and allowed her to placate me - it felt for an hour, but it was probably less than a minute, before I asked her to stop.  I thought I did it pretty nicely, consider what was going down, but mom told me later I pretty much barked at her.

The guard got me a gown and some socks, gave me a second to change and from that point forward, my curtain has to remain opened so that he could monitor me.  I have to give it to him, he was pretty cool.  Said right from the start he didn't think I was a danger and - although he kept the curtain open and watched me, he didn't require me to stay on the bed and seated and joked with me and mom.  In fact - I don't know how I did it...like I've said before, I think my sense of humor is just a form of self defense, but from that point forward, I start joking.  I joked about everything.  And I laughed.  No more crying.  No more anger.

Paramedics came to transfer me to a local hospital, and I flirted with them relentelessly.  They said there was no way I was a Baker Act and noted as much in their notes.  Even said as much to the nurses when I got into the ER.  And, therefore, I didn't get paid much attention to in the ER.

They followed protocol, but loosely.  For example, the alarm bracelet that they put on Psych patients so that you can't disappear was put so loosely on my wrist that I could slip it off without any effort whatsoever.  They joked with me.  I missed a girls night out that I had planned, which hurt terribly, and I bawled when I had to tell them why I was going to miss it.  But, aside from that, I was lucky to have leveled out.  My parents stayed by my side during the ordeal except for about one hour when all visitors had to clear the floor.

That was a tough hour - without any distractions.  Fear started taking over as I tried to imagine how I could possibly cope without family and friends in some kind of psych ward all because of some kind of misunderstanding...I almost cried again, but turning my attention on making some of the personnel laugh.

When the doctor came around, the hospital stuff all told him that I was no danger to anybody, so he gave me the option to stay voluntarily instead of being Baker Acted.  Apparently, I would keep more rights that way, so I agreed.  But, having spoken to me and the ER staff, he placed a call to the Psychologist and instead, they agreed to just up my dosage and release me to the care of my parents, as I was no risk.

That was last Saturday.

It's been a rough week.  If you've ever seen the commercials, depression DOES hurt.  Aside from the emotions of it all, you really do experience headache and muscle aches, sore stomach, cramps, nausea and other illnesses along with it.  Not to mention the hell that you know you are putting other people through.  The worry and heartache and hurt my parents have experienced by my side and, I've wanted to be better - if not for me, than for them.  It's this constant struggle where neither of us can do anything for the other.

Per the doctors instructions, I've tweaked my meds a little and have finally started to see some results.  I still don't feel back to being "me" yet, but I'm on my way.  There are some changes that need to be made - I'm not entirely sure that this medicine is the right one for me - regardless of dosage - and its a scary road to travel till I find the right one...but I'm hopeful.  Sadly, I've missed two weeks of work and, with not sick time available - that's two weeks of pay I will not be getting right before the holidays.  That doesn't help lift my spirits much.

But, don't count me out, folks.  I've been through all of this and the Chubby Chick has done ALL that bad, so I must be in it for the long haul, right?

For those of you still in this with me - thank you.  I hope that you all have had a much better, brighter Thanksgiving month, and I look forward to making a terrific difference with you in the months ahead.

Most Sincerely,
The "Cheerful" Chubby Chick

An Ode To Excuses...

As of the beginning of October-

• My mother's ankle had healed just enough to the point where she could walk and start driving again.
• My father's knee had healed well enough that he could be released from rehab.
• My job informed me that I was going to be demoted and face a drastic pay cut due to the amount of work I missed on account of my parents' injuries.
• I met a great guy and went on five wonderful dates in eight days.
• In addition, he met my parents, who really, really liked him.
• He went out of his way to treat me better than a man has ever treated me.
• He met my friends who all thought he was fantastic and already made future plans for a couples night.
• I was pulled over for having an expired tag.
• I could not, for the love of God, locate my registration information or my insurance card where I normally keep them.
• I was informed that I was driving on a suspended license for unpaid tickets that I was not aware of.
• I could have been arrested on the spot but instead, my license was taken away from me, I had to call my parents to pick me up, my car can not be driven until all of this is fixed and I earned four more tickets.

By Mid-October-

• I learned that paying the tickets, late fees, driver's courses and everything else needed to get my license reinstated and my registration renewed would cost over $1,000 (and right before the holidays hit).  Therefore, my paychecks for October were all spent before they were even earned.
• I picked up any and all extra shifts or extra hours that I possibly could in order to earn extra money and get out of this hole.  Ultimately, this means that the only time I was out of the house was spent working.
• The guy I was crazy about had some personal things he had to take care of and since I basically had nothing to offer at the time (I couldn't drive to meet him halfway, I couldn't pay for anything) - I was unable to see him for over two weeks - sending my insecurity levels sky-rocketing.
• My allergies began acting up to the point where I could not inhale through my nose at all.  Allergy medication, prescription nose spray, cold and flu meds...nothing would work long term to clear up my sinuses. 
• My mom found out that her white counts were up high and that her PTINR (blood thinner levels) were dangerously high as well.  (Her blood is now down to an acceptable level, but we are still waiting for word on what to do about her white counts)

By Late October-

•  Day after day I dealt with a nose that was simultaneously stuffy and runny. It caused my asthma to become much worse and made it impossible to get a good night's sleep.
• I was now dealing with two additional factors from all the stress:  for one, I am now clenching my teeth non-stop for almost 24 hours a day and two, I had a cold sore.
• When I finally got to see the great guy again, I was so exhausted from working 22 of the past 36 hours and being sleep deprived and stressed out that I couldn't seem to get my "head in the game".  Plus, I had a cold sore, I couldn't breathe through my nose and I had to use tissues all night long to either blow or wipe my runny nose.
• My parents discovered that my mom's insurance was dropping her because my father's company neglected to provide them the accurate documentation ahead of time.  (This has since been remedied, thank God)
• I've lost my phone and have no insurance.  My phone was what I used to update MyFitnessPal.com and the app on there is what I used to walk with to calculate my time, speed, calories burned, etc.

With all of this going on, I've just fallen into a funk that I can't seem to shake.  For anyone that's familiar with depression, I'm not *sad*...just been feeling kind of hopeless and numb...both feelings that don't bode well when attempting to lose weight.  So, I didn't.  I just stopped trying.  Stopped caring.

There were moments when I'd be strong enough to put a little umph into it.  But the moments I had the emotional aptitude to try were fleeting - none of them even lasting an entire day.  My weakest moments were early in the morning before sunrise when I'd wake up exhausted and unable to breathe and head down stairs to snack while watching television.  On other days, I'd manage to eat healthy, small portions all day long only to give in and binge as soon as the sun set.

You all know that September was rough for me but October just seemed to kick me when I was down.  I still managed to lose a few pounds; according to my October 29th weigh in, I was down from 337.9 to 325.1 pounds.  That's a total weight loss of 12.8 for the month of October, but I don't really take much joy in it because I've been totally eating unhealthy, have only exercised once or twice all month and have lost track of how many times I've binged.

I'm even more sad because I thought for sure that broadcasting my success and failure for everyone to see would make it harder for me to fail.  After all, how many people would I be dissappointing when I screwed up this time around?  But, I guess not even that is enough.  My Chubby Chasers are simply too nice, caring and supportive.  I knew I could fail and you all would just give me hugs and cheer me on, trying to motivate me to do better next month because you're all wonderful like that.

So, I was downstairs at 4 am this morning snacking on Fritos and Halloween candy while thumbing through the DVR to find something to watch.  There wasn't anything that caught my attention, so I flipped on "The Doctors" and settled into the recliner with the chips.  I remember thinking they were too freaking salty, but I kept eating them anyway.

And of course, the episode is about overwriting your genetic code to be healthier.  Eating a tablespoon less salt per day can save you from stroke or heart attack.  Children of obese parents are less likely to be obese if they participate in team sports.  Stuff like that.

The first segment features the photographer from the band "Foster the People".  The lead singer dared the photographer to lose 80 lbs in 8 months.  If he succeeds, he promised to pay him $20,000.  So, out of nowhere, this photographer has turned his life around - he's been going for walks and has filled his refrigerator with baby spring greens and broccolli slaw (both things that were in my fridge and went bad because I stopped eating them), and he's lost 13 lbs in less than a month.  Sound familiar?  And the doctors say "Well, what is motivating everyone else to turn their life around, if they're not going to get $20,000 at the end of it, too?"

And I thought to myself "I have terrific people willing to donate money to charity just to support me, and I'm throwing it all away.  I have what most people don't have, and I'm wasting that precious motivation!"

I closed up the Fritos, turned off the TV and came up to my computer to start writing to you all.  I want to be that person again.  I want to be inspirational and motivational and not some sorry loser sitting on the couch pigging out.  I wanted to write down all of my excuses to take the power out of them...those excuses have already been used.  They are past their expiration date and are no longer valid.

I'm not even waiting till "tomorrow".  So what, I started off my morning with chocolate and Fritos?  Doesn't mean I have to wait till tomorrow to get back on track!  I don't need a freaking "clean slate".  I just need to get my ass back in some sneakers and get to moving!

So what, I don't have money or a car in order to go on a shopping expedition for healthy foods?  I'll just have to make the best choices I can with what I have.

Okay, folks...I know I've "rebooted" a couple of times already...and I'm sure some of you have already given up on me, and that's okay because I gave up on me too.  But...I'm just going to have to do my best to earn you all back.  More importantly, I'm going to have to do my best to impress myself.

 

INTRODUCING CHUCHI 3.0

Wish me luck.  ;o)

Days 55 & 56: It was the best of times...It was the worst of times...

Howdy All!

Okay, as I mentioned in my last post, I had a date on Saturday morning.  I will not be posting details except for how they relate to my diet, excerise and overall well being.  I like to be careful when meeting guys for the first time, so I asked him to pick me up at a Denny's near my home.  He wanted to meet my parents, so they drove me to the restaurant.  Mom and I split a Moons Over My Hammy meal while waiting for him to arrive.  He spoke to my parents briefly before we headed out on a three hour ride to the Everglades, stopping once at a fruit stand for me to get a Seven Up (my first soda in two months) and then stopped briefly for a quick bite at McDonald's.  Although I wasn't very hungry, we knew we would be unable to eat for few more hours because of the limited choices within Everglades National Park, so I had 8 Chicken McNuggets and 3 Fries.  Inside the park, we boarded a Pontoon for a tour of the Buttonwood Canal and it's adjoining waterways.  Although I didn't get much exercise, I like to think I at least burned some calories on the two hour ride in the Florida heat.  lol  After that, he treated me to dinner at a little Mexican restaurant named "Rosita's" and we enjoyed a leisurely drive along a few scenic routes.  Enjoyed a couple of hours talking in another small Everglades park before finally heading home around midnight. 

So, as you can see, I spent a good fourteen hours of the day with my date, which left little time for anything else.  Diet wise, I didn't necessarily make the best options, but I did minimize my consumption, cutting my meals by half for the most part (though my actual calories for the day are nearly impossible to calculate.)  In regards to exercise, there was some very, very minimal walking; I would assume I burnt the most calories sweating because of the heat, talking his ear off and laughing 90% of the time.  And, in regards to my overeall well-being, I have spent most of the day smiling from ear to ear, optimistic about my possibilities, hopeful, and thankful.  I've had extra energy today due in part to my bouyant mood and there *may* be little fluttery feelings in my stomach that have helped to quelch my appetite for the day.

I wasn't able to calm down enough to get to sleep until about 3 am.   I found myself awake once again around 4 am and managed to fall back to sleep about an hour later.  Despite the sleep deprivation, with the help of a Vitamin Water Energy drink and a banana, I found myself walking on Cloud 9 most of the day.  Due to some unforseen circumstances, I was informed that my job will be demoting me down to a lower position and cutting my pay - although they are currently unable to inform me what my new rate of pay will be.  My manager has assured me that she will speak to the corporate HR representative, as well as our in house Personnel Manager to find out more details and see if there is anything else that I can do on my part, and in turn, I will be contacting a few people to see what my options are for fighting the demotion.  Needless to say, the whole thing was very upsetting and by the time I was released for my lunch break, I had absolutely no appetite.  A couple of coworkers managed to cheer me up and, after getting a few really sweet messages from my Saturday date, I was able to return to my happy place.

After work, I grabbed a Slim Fast shake and set about visiting a couple of stores to exchange some items.  By the time I got home, it was 8 pm and my energy reserves were completely depleted...honestly feel like I could fall asleep any second.  So, aside from the running around I did at work today and the errands I complete afterward - there will be no exercising for me tonight.  However, I should be very under my calories for the day, as I've chosen another Slim Fast shake, some cantaloupe and some almonds for my dinner.  Although my research has warned me against going under 1200 calories a day, a friend of mine who is studying health and fitness has advised me that she doesn't believe in the "starvation mode" theory.  So, my mental compromise is that consuming less than 1200 calories shouldn't hurt me...as long as I don't make a point of doing it too often.

Sadly, today is the last day of September and - although I won't know how I did until my final weigh in tomorrow, I can't help but feel like I've really failed myself and all of you this month.  Well, maybe fail is too strong of a word...but I KNOW I could have done better and I most definitely should have tried harder.  For that, I am disappointed in myself.

But, I'm learning to let myself feel without letting my feelings slow me down.  I can be dissappointed in my failures while not allowing that to interfere with my determination to succeed.  I'm going to trip and fall from time to time...it's not always going to be easy.  There will be times when I have to struggle against the current to get it done and there will be times that I'm simply too tired and overwhelmed to be my very best.  For times like these, I need to learn to feel, forgive, learn, and move on.

Given how much better I did diet wise today, I'd say I'm onto a pretty great start.  Wouldn't you?

October - bring it on!

Day 54: Back On The Wagon

Hey Folks!

My Oh My, what a month!

After my last post, I DID put my nose to the grindstone and work my butt off.  The rest of that week, I managed to walk for 30 minutes every single day and was especially careful about what I ate, which put me at 340.3 for my next weigh in.  Sadly, my phone was dead that morning and I was running late, so I don't have my normal scale picture...unfortunately, you'll just have to take my word for it.

However, in the process of helping out my mom and dad, working full time, trying to eat right and struggling to get in my 30 minute work out every single day, the stress began taking a toll on me.  In my effort not to eat the wrong things, I began coming in too far under calories and either binging to bring my calories up before going to bed, or going to bed on an empty and very unhappy stomach.  The sudden change in my work out regimen was giving me shin splints, backaches and neckaches and the stress of it all was totally screwing with my sleep.  I think there was a week that went by where I was only able to sleep about 10 hours all week.  I was completely exhausted and I am STILL paying for it.

So, this week - I'm realizing that as much as I want to lose weight, I have to wise about the way I go about it.  I want to be HEALTHY...not risk my well being just for a drop on the scale.  So, I've been as smart as I can about my meal choices - eaten light and healthy whenever I'm at home or have the ability to pack something and then just trying to tweak the things I order while on the run - sticking with basic hard tacos because they are only 200 calories each, or requesting whole wheat pasta instead of regular pasta.  It's not as good as I WAS doing, but it's not as bad as I could be doing, either.  As for exercise, I've been getting my walking in, even if it's only a few minutes at a time - up and down hallways at the Rehab facility, around the block while my mom and dad visit, walking laps at work while I take care of the Liquor Store or offering to put back the groceries that are out of place so that I can keep myself moving for a half an hour to an hour.  Standing at my register or watching the front door while doing lunges or just bouncing in place.  It's little things, but it's still more than I was doing when I started.

I don't know how my weigh in will go for the month.  I'm more confident in the number of work outs I did in September than I am in the actual amount of weight I was able to lose.  But either way - effort was made, improvements were made and this time is behind me - all I can do is move forward and do better.

As of this afternoon, my Dad is home from Rehab and able to walk without assistance.  My mom has been walking a little without the boot and can do most things without my help now and for the first time all month, I am allowing myself a night to go out with my friends and have some fun!  Tomorrow, life will begin to return to a more normal pace and I can turn some of the focus off of my parents and back onto my own health and wellness.

And, just a nibble of what's going on in my social life...I've recently been really hitting it off with someone that I've met on a dating site.  We talked online for a while and in the past week and a half, we have started texting and chatting on the phone every day.  We will meet for the first time tomorrow morning as he takes me for a day of adventure in the Florida Everglades.  :o)  I am very excited and, if nothing more, I am incredibly glad to have a new friend that I have so very much in common with.  I don't know how much I will be talking about that on my blog but, as it is something that may or may not affect my eating and work out habits, I thought it was worth a mention.  So, there you have it, all!  I really, sincerely hope that I can get back on track now and be done with these petty excuses for doing anything less than my absolute best!

Kisses and Squishes!
Your ChuChi

Day 43: Introducing, ChuChi 2.0!!!

I realized this morning that I tend to make mental notes on my walks about things that I want to tell you guys.  I don't commune with nature.  I don't tune out the world and turn off my inner dialogue to destress.  Usually, I'm not even sure I'm present enough to wave to the people I pass along the way.  Nope - instead, I spend 30 minutes or so thinking "Oh, I'm gonna tell everyone this," or "Oh, I have a terrific question for my Chubby Chasers!" or "Don't forget to tell them blah, blah, blah."

So, even when I'm not actively talking to you, updating my FB page or blogging, I carry each and every one of with you with me throughout the day.  When I'm proud of something, you all silently applaud me in my head.  When I'm having a rough spot, I anticipate the kind, supportive, comforting or encouraging words that you all have waiting for me.  And, when I don't have the will power to push myself, you all coax and cheer me on.  I've spent 30 years looking for the magic diet or work out or gym or pill that would solve my weight problem, but I'm starting to think it was this kind of support that I've been missing all these years.  Sure, family and friends always encourage you and want the best for you...but you aren't able to get feedback from each and every one of them multiple times a day, so it's a little different.  You all are the magic I've been looking for!

You are My Precious!!!!!

 

But, enough about you...let's talk about me.  lol

 

Before my walk, I looked into my cardio trainer app and was surprised to see that I burned more calories walking slower/longer than I had walking faster for less time.  My 18 minute mile yesterday did not have a postive impact on the calories I burned.  :o(

 

At the beginning of my walk, I noticed that I was experiencing some discomfort in my right foot, heel, ankle and shin.  It's wasn't painful or disabling, just a little sore from exercising yesterday.  (Even after my morning workout, I ended up doing more walking than usual just in the process of getting things done for the day...)  In addition, it was so hot and humid that I felt as if I was trying to breathe underwater.  You know how inhaling steam can help clear up chest congestion?  It actually started to have the same affect on me - honestly.  But, I honestly thought about this little quote I had on Pinterest and just smiled.

 





With all of these factors in mind, I decided - instead of pushing myself to increase my speed today - that I would instead focus on increasing my time & distance.

 

I was unable to sleep more than an hour last night, so not even my playlist could get me quite as enthused as I had hoped.

 

I thought:  Today's walk is going to be harder than yesterday.  It's not going to be as enjoyable or invigorating.  But boy - everyone is going to be so much prouder that I pushed myself through it!

 

And that's what kept me going...ever time my cardio app would tell me my speed or my distance or my time, I'd think of how proud my Chubby Chasers would be that I kept on going in spite of everything and, eventually, I forgot that my foot and heel and ankle and shin were ever hurting.  It wasn't enjoyable, but I still wasn't in a rush for it to end because each tenth of a mile and each minute was a tiny victory for me, and I celebrated with a momentary smile before huffing on.

So, with all of this said and done, how did I do?

 

39.79 Minutes

1.97 Miles

387 Calories Burned

Average 2.9 mph

3,172 Steps

 

Not too shabby, am I right?  lol 

 

Plus, I noticed during today's walk that the shirt I chose to work out in because it was loose and comfortable...is now too loose and uncomfortable.  It was continuously falling off my shoulders and - as I swung my arms with each step - I noticed I could feel the skin of my arms rubbing against the skin of my rib cage because the sleeves were too baggie.

 

Rest in Peace, comfy baggie workout shirt.  :o(  tee hee hee

 

There was one other factor that was motivating me to push myself through this morning's walk.  Today is weigh-in and, I must sadly report a 7.6 lb weight gain since last Monday.  :o(

 

 

I absolutely could not believe it, so I weighed myself over and over again and - although the scale did go lower and lower each consecutive time - it ultimately proved that I did indeed gain weight this week.

 

Of course, it was disappointing and disheartening.  And, of course, I take it very seriously.  (I just thought of something - if an event can be disheartening...can it also be heartening? I so need to look that up later...)

 

However, without making excuses, I must also acknowledge the possibility that I could be retaining water, I may be PMSing or any other number of factors that could account for the weight gain.  Ultimately, sitting around and moping about it isn't going to fix anything.  If I really have gained almost 8 lbs, I seriously, seriously doubt that it is all water weight...I'm just trying to be realistic without being too hard/too easy on myself.

 

Instead...now that I'm over the bronchitis and both of my parents are on their way to recovery...I've rebooted myself.  Introducing, CHUCHI 2.0!  I was starting to slack off on things a little more each day...it was just so much easier to order fast food while I've been running around and, since I was staying under my calories, I kept forgiving myself for little splurges.  Thankfully, this was the wake up call that I needed to get my butt back in gear!  Hallelujah - I've been saved!   tee hee hee

For those of you challenging me this month - don't go thinking your off this hook cuz I fully intend to lose this weight and STILL come after you money!!!  So, get those wallets ready!  lol







Day 41 1/5: A Happy Dad and ROCKING Walk!

First of all, a quick update on mom and dad.  A family friend loaned us a wheelchair, which not only made it MUCH easier to get my mom around but added to my workout, as I had to lift the heavy thing in and out of the car and wheel her around.  Plus, once I got her to my dad's room and situated into the guest chair, I sat down in it and wheeled myself around for the remainder of the visit - even if I just ended up wheeling myself back and forth inside the room, I was constantly moving for a good couple of hours.  :o)

My Dad's a clean freak - at home, he never takes less than two showers a day and always smells like men's cologne.  Unfortunately, he is on a strict "no shower" policy right now due to the incision.  Plus, due to the unhelpfullness of the rehab facility, they've been telling him that they have no wash cloths or shampoo.  So, yesterday, I poured some shampoo into a wash cloth and packed it into a plastic bag along with his trimmer.  Therefore, when not tooling around in the wheelchair, I spent my time washing, drying and brushing his hair, helping him brush his teeth and shave, and even shaved his back for him.  :o)  (My father has turned into a hairy beast of a man!  lol)  It seemed to really have a positive affect on his outlook.  In addition to being a goofball and making my parents laugh not stop, it was a very nice visit and felt like it helped put everyone in a good mood.

I have not been sleeping well for the past week so, last night, I gave up and took a single Tylenol PM to help me get to sleep at a decent time.  Then, I set my alarm clock for 5 am and took a caffeine pill before going back to sleep.  I DO NOT like or encourage people to set their inner clocks with the use of pills - however, with my return to work this upcoming Tuesday, I really needed help to get my body back on track.  The sleepless nights until 5 am and then sleeping until noon was starting to take a toll.  I know there are other ways to do it but I have enough on my mind right now that I really didn't feel like putting any more effort into it for the time being.  :o\  It was a one time thing and, now that life should slowly be returning to normal, it should no longer be a problem.  :o)

As I was saying, I woke up at 5 am, took a caffeine pill and then went back to sleep for an hour while I waited for the pill to take affect.  I reset my clock for six with the intention of going for a sunrise walk - but the thunder and lightning didn't seem to be in sync with my plans.  Instead I woke up, took care of my pets, took care of my mom (who was sleeping peacefully in her recliner) and did a few other things around the house.  I also ate some oatmeal to help load up on carbs and to balance out my blood sugar.

  The weather was reported to be a delightful 77 degrees outside, but with a humidy level of 90% and increasing chances of rain and thunder storms.  By 11:30 am, the sky was overcast but the rain had yet to fall.  I woke up my mom to check on her, make sure that she didn't need anything and to let her know that I was going for a walk - then I went for a walk in the park for the first time in over a week.  (I've been fitting in walks through hospitals, parking lots and rehab facilities - but this was the first intense walk I've had a chance to take in a while.)

It was hard getting out there, but it felt so good once I started!  My playlist was fantastic today!  Two minutes in I found myself walking 3.7 mph while rocking out to Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit".  I don't know WTH that song means, but the sound is awesome!

 

 

Britney Spears "If You Seek Amy" and "You Wanna Piece of Me" followed that up and helped me to maintain my pace as I bee-bopped on my way through the park  I mean, I had my arms swinging and my hips swaying while I grooved my way through my workout!

 

Because of the persistent chance of rain, I changed the track I walked, choosing to just circle a small parking lot that is perhaps 1/3rd of the track that I usually walk simply for the reason that 1) it is the closest part to my home and 2) there is a shelter with bathrooms at one end, in case I needed to quickly get out of the weather.  I actually think I preferred this track because it is entirely paved, unlike the sandy, broken up and rocky parts of the longer track that always make me nervous that I will sprain my ankle, so I may take this route more often.

I managed to maintain a speed of 3.2 to 3.7 mph for more than half of the walk, thereby FINALLY beating my 19 minute mile!  I'm not sure exactly WHEN I hit the mile mark because my phone app didn't announce it, but I checked the screen at 18 minutes it and I was already at 1.02 miles.  Therefore, I'm estimating that I hit the mile mark somewhere between 17.5 and 18 minutes.  YAY!

 

I felt so freaking incredible - not only was I walking faster and pushing harder than ever before, but my breathing was great and I was having so much fun rocking out to my music that it didn't even really feel like work!  I tried to be smart and slow my pace down gradually during the last ten minutes as a "cool down" period, but according to my app, I was completely comfortable at a 2.9 or 3 mph pace.  All in all, my stats were as follows:

1.54 Miles Walked
Avg Speed of 3.2 mph
Max Speed of 3.7 mph Reached
Min Speed of 2.7 Reached (at 27 minutes in)
2,479 Steps
30 Minutes

Even though I immediately started drinking some Vitamin Water to refresh my electrolytes and had some almonds prepared for a protein snack, I still experienced a little dizziness after the walk.  According to Livestrong.com, this could be because I was dehydrated, because I didn't completely cool down well enough to level out my blood pressure or because my morning oatmeal was not enough to level out my blood sugar, so now I know I need to monitor all of the above before my next walk.  But still - IT WAS SO INVIGORATING!  Can't wait to get out there and do it all again.

Oh, and by the way - I don't know how much of it was humidity and how much of it was sweat, but I was drenched by the end of the 30 minutes.  Let me just say - I don't know what romance writers are going on and on about because there is absolutely NOTHING sexy about "naked bodies glistening with perspiration".  After today, I will never buy that load of crap again!  lol

Day 40: LET'S GET PHYSICAL!

So, after having the torture device pictured above for a couple of months, my brother and sister-in-law discovered that it was not being used in their home and, as a sign of support, they donated it to me.

I've been good lately: had some honey garlic chicken for brunch, snacked on some grapes later and then had one of the IHOP's "Simple and Fit" omelets with a small bowl of fruit.  That put me at less than 1,000 calories for the day, and I try not to go under 1,200 (since that is supposed to put you into starvation mode).  She didn't realize it at first, but her order came with pancakes that she had no intention of eating.  So, when the waitress asked which pancakes she wanted and mentioned that they currently had the New York Cheesecake Pancakes - I HAD to have them.  If you haven't tasted these things, smothered in Strawberry Syrup...you have not yet tasted heaven.

After helping my mom out to our car and throwing her walker into the back, I told her "Be right back" and closed the door - then proceeded to jog laps around the car while she sat inside cracking up laughing.  It's sad to say that I was out of breath after two laps, but so was she from laughing, so s'all gud.

To be honest, even with the pancakes and the syrup, I came in at 858 calories under my suggested goal for the day - and I haven't indulged in anything sweet for a while - so I have no regrets.  However, I do feel bad that I haven't been getting in as much exercise as I want to so - when we got home, I remembered that this machine was in the back of my mom's van and I ran out to get it.

I set it up in the living room and tried it out.  Now, if you haven't seen this particular contraption before, you put your knees into the two black knee pads at the bottom and then swing your hips back and forth around the perimeter of the machine.  DEAR LORD, I was squealing like I was on a flipping roller coaster!  First of all, I can't just use my arms to get started - I literally have to swing my ass to get going like a freaking wrecking ball!  My mom started laughing at me all over again, insisting that I turn on the light so that she could see better.

Then, this contraption has another workout option.  If you look between the knee pads, there is a little, silver colored bar that holds them in place but, if you remove this bar, then your knees go in OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS, leaving you sprawled out over the damn machine like some kinky Gynocologist trip gone all wrong!  My mother was literally laughing at me so hard that she was in tears.  Furthermore, she thought that it was so funny that she's made me promise to make a "Workout Video" for my beloved Chubby Chasers.  So, if everything goes right, expect your first Chuchi Fitness video to be uploaded sometime tomorrow night!

 



Now, for those of you following up on my parents, my mom is still in a constant state of pain - even more so now that she's trying to put off using her last two pain pills.  On the other hand, she is beginning to maneuver a lot better with the walker and seems to need less help getting back and forth in short distances, though she still relies on me for the simple tasks that just take her to long to accomplish (ie: getting a glass of water, feeding our cats, etc).

I am not crazy about my father's rehabilitation facility.  Although everyone there is "nice" - that doesn't seem to be enough to get the job done.  First of all, my father's a big man.  The aide attempts to wrap a normal sized blood pressure cuff around his arm, despite my father and I both telling her that it will just pop off.  But, as if we don't know what the hell we are talking about, she puts the small cuff on and attempts to *hold* it closed.  Of course, the suckers pops right off, so she disappears to look for another cuff.
Then, she brings in a chair that is supposed to weigh him, but he has no walker or wheelchair in order to get out from his bed and over the scale.  She searches high and low (in a REHAB FACILITY) and finally steals a chair from another patient's room.  The chair - which is too small for my father - does not even have the foot rests on it.  So, my father has to rest his bad leg atop his good ankle and skim his feet on one heel as she wheels him down this long hallway to another scale.  Once there, she has to steal ANOTHER patient's walker in order for my father to get out of the wheelchair and onto the scale.

About an hour after my father arrived, I asked the nurse if they had recieved the order from the hospital, and she told me she had four patients to admit and that she hadn't gotten to it yet. With an hour before he was due for his dosage (and he was already in incredible pain from the move), I was told that the hospital did not transfer the order for my father's pain medication.  After spending a half hour freaking out, complaining to the hospital and leaving a message on his doctor's personal cell phone, his doctor calls me back to advise that the rehab facility already HAD the order - the nurse just didn't look through the chart properly. 

I had just left the facility five minutes ago, so I called back and asked to speak to him, only to be told that I couldn't because no calls were allowed after 8 pm.  I explained the situation and told the operator that it was urgent that I speak to my father in regards to his medication, and the operator told me I would be transferred.   Instead of my father answering, I get a woman, and again explain that I want to reach room 312, so she says she would transfer me.  Instead, I end up with the same unpleasant operator with the thick accent!  I explained that I was the same girl who JUST left and that it was urgent that I speak with my father in regards to his medications.  The operator tells me again that I can not speak to my father, and that is why I was transferred to the pharmacy.  I said "I don't want to speak to the pharmacy, I want to speak to my father!  And, regardless what the facility's 'rules' are, I am telling you that this is urgent about his medication!"  He says "Let me transfer you to the pharmacy." And the next thing I know, I'm back on hold.  I'm a little disappointed that he was unable to hear the string of expletives that came out of my mouth as I hung up on him, just as I'm disappointed that you can not slam a cell phone to hang it up like you can and old fashioned telephone.  There's just something so much more satisfying about slamming a reciever after a bad call...

I bring my mom in today and, while I park the car, my mom asks the front desk if there might be a wheelchair I can use just to get her to my father's room.  Again, I grit my teeth as I repeat - THIS IS A REHABILITATION FACILITY!  They should have wheelchairs in every freaking corner!  And, they are not even AT full capacity - at least half the rooms appear to be empty!  But the receptionist immediately informs my mother that there are no wheelchairs available.  So my mom - balancing on her bad foot with her walker - kindly asks if there is any one else the receptionist might be able to ask for one.  (I had already warned my mother that it was a long walk).  I come in just in time to hear the receptionist say "That's what I told her."  She hangs up the phone and informs my mom that there are no wheelchairs available in the entire facility - which is obviously a load of crap.  I tell my mom that the elevator is nearby, and that I will make another attempt to get her a wheelchair when we get to my father's floor.

On the third floor, I ask the nurse's desk if there are any wheelchairs available that I could borrow just long enough to wheel my mom down the hall, and without batting an eye, they say "Oh, you're the one the receptionist called about.  No, we don't have any."

By now, having heard about the trouble I experienced yesterday and seeing the kind of "help" we are receiving today - my mom is getting pissed and audibly griping about needing to transfer my father to another location.  I feel terrible - my mom is in pain and there is absolutely nothing in my power I can do to help but walk by her side as she shuffles down the hallway.  "Can I just borrow one of your office chairs real quickly?  I'll bring it right back."  I ask, noting the numerous unused chairs behind the desk.  One of the ladies laughs at me "We can't do that, it's a safety hazard."  Although we normally respect people who have to follow rules and regulations, my mom and I have about had it.  "It'll be a safety hazard when I fall on my ass in the middle of the hallway because nobody could help us."  My mom mumbled as she hobbled another couple of steps.

"Do you need a wheelchair?"  Some lady asks as she comes up behind us.  "Yes, please!" My mom nearly shout in unison.  "Give me on second."  The lady says as she begins rushing ahead of us.  I follow along, eager to get the chair and run it back to her.  At first, we thought she was one of the nurses - but a moment later, I saw her visitor tag and realized she was just visiting the woman next door to my dad.  Just like the day before - there were no foot rests on the wheel chair, so my mom had to literally hold her legs up while I rushed her down the hallway and into my dad's room.  I quickly got her settled into the only chair and rushed the chair back to the room next door.  Now, I've already mentioned that these are private rooms - so why did this one woman need the two wheelchairs that were in her room.  In fact, looking quickly around at the other nearby rooms - each of them had a vacant wheelchair just sitting by the door, waiting to be used.  Had the nurses and aides been even REMOTELY helpful, any one of those chairs could have been borrowed log enough to get my mom to my father's room.  I literally had that wheelchair for less than five minutes before it was returned.

A little later, although he was given the normal "care kit" - complete with mouthwash, toothbrush, toothpaste, etc - he did not recieve any soap or shampoo.  Becuase of his sutures, he's not allowed to take a full out shower yet, but my mom and I wanted to try to clean his hair in the bed so that he would feel a little better.  So, I asked the aide for some shampoo.  She looked for a good fifteen minutes before reporting that only the morning shift was allowed to have shampoo - the night shift didn't have access to it - so we'd have to wait till the next day.  Seriously?  Who comes up with this shit?

My father also has this device for his knee - it's a small cooler that connects to this pump and it circulates ice cold water around his knee to help reduce pain and swelling.  During my mom's visit, his pain was becoming unbearable - he was constantly wincing and trying to move to a more comfortable position.  Talk with him became impossible because he couldn't focus and - ultimately - my father began to tremble.  This has happened a few times since Monday - when my father's pain becomes intolerable, he begans to shiver...as if he's going into shock.  She had just given him a pain pill but, since those tend to take a little bit of time to kick in, he really needed this ice machine to help dull the pain. 

Now, this may all sound like my mom and I are being a big pain in the butt, but first of all - this is someone I love!  Of course I want them to be taken care of properly!  And secondly, my parents have been in the hospital a lot over the years and any nurse that's learned to work with him has ultimately LOVED me because I end up making their job a lot easier.  I've given my mom sponge baths, I've helped my father change his clothes, I've taken care of getting their ice and water or emptying the catheter bags (I don't know what that is called).  In other words, if they will allow me to help, I generally make their jobs a helluva lot easier.  I don't want to work them to death - just tell me what to do and I'll do it myself.  But, this place seems to have an allergy to allowing family and friends to care for their loved ones.  For example, I asked them for ice for my father's machine, and I was told that *that* kind of ice could only be retrieved from the second floor.  So, I offered to go to the second floor and I was told that only Nurses could get it from the second floor. 

A good 45 minutes later, my father has still not recieved ice for the machine, and his face is beginning to turn purple in agony.  So, I go down to the second floor and ask for some ice, and the woman at the nurse's desk tells me that someone just came for the ice and is already on their way to my father's room right now.  I return to my father's room and - sure enough - there is no one there with ice.  My mom and I pour whatever ice we can find into the cooler - the ice chips in his little pitcher, the ice chips in a styrofoam cup he has, the ice from the little thermos that my mom carries around - whatever we can do to help.  It's much, but it's cooling and seems to help a little bit.  By now, the pain pill is finally starting to kick in and my father's becoming visible drowsy, so we prepare to leave.  Fortunately, we'd made friends with a woman across the hall, and she kindly agrees to let me to borrow her mother's wheelchair to take my mom down to the lobby.  So, I remind that nurse that my father has not gotten any ice yet, I get mom downstairs, go back to return to the wheelchair to our new friend, and then run into my Dad's room to pick up our belongings and kiss him goodbye.  Finally - an hour and ten minutes after I first requested it - my father was receiving ice for his machine.

My mom and I asked him if he was happy there or if he wanted to move to another facility, and he didn't seem to have any interest in moving (too tired and sore to want to bother with it), but I am seriously considering calling and complaining to someone in charge.

On a funnier note, when I spoke my dad on the phone earlier, he told me that my cousin was there with another, unrelated aunt.  It didn't make much sense to me as to why those two people would be visiting together, but I shrugged it off.  When my mom and I arrived to visit and asked him if we missed them, he admitted - they were never there.  They've switched his pain meds since he no longer has an IV and, apparently, the new meds are causing him to hallucinate.  Sadly, he had some disturbing dreams last night but interestingly, he has woken up a few times talking but confused.  He'll say "Who's there?"   And wait for an answer, and then ask "Hello?  Who am I talking to?"  Only to realize that he's totally alone and talking to himself.  I think it bothered him a little bit, but mom and I teased him, talking to the other, non-existent people in the room - until he was able to laugh about it.