It's never easy...

Remember that nice guy I told you was supporting me in my exercise and weight loss?  The one who "loved" me as I am?

He's the reason that I want to bury myself in chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream right now.

We were together less than two months and in that time, he's managed to majorly hurt me four times.  Today was the fourth and final time.  I think, what makes it so hard, is how badly he begged for me back less than a week ago, and how frequently in that week he told me that he loved me and how happy I made him.

Then...as is his habit...he broke the news to me on Facebook because he can't man up to have these conversations in person.

I was with him less than twelve hours before he did it.  Less than twelve hours before, he told me he loved me and how happy I made him and how very lucky he was...and then, he tells me that he's been on a dating site and has met somebody else and that he thinks he must be unhappy with me if he keeps looking for love and happiness elsewhere.

I know he's not the one for me.  I know, now, that this was not the relationship I was meant to end up in...but it doesn't stop it from hurting me and pissing me off to no end.  It doesn't prevent that cycle of emotions I always experience after a break up:  the hurt, anger and depression.  It doesn't stop me from wanting to self medicate with everything tasty within arms reach.

On the other end of the spectrum, my eldest niece graduated tonight.  There were not enough tickets for me to attend the graduation in person, but I had the good fortune of watching her graduate on a live steam online.

Her graduation is bittersweet for me.  Or, perhaps it is only bittersweet because of the emotional turmoil I am experiencing today.  I love her so very much and I am so very, very proud of her...but I find myself wishing I had been a better Auntie so that we could be closer at this time.

Her graduation reminds me of mine 13 years ago, and all the promise that lie before me then and all of the ways I've failed myself over and over again that have led to this point in my adult life.

Of course, I won't tell my young, intelligent, beautiful, bright-eyed niece that on her graduation day.  I'll go to BJ's Brewhouse with my 1,000 calories that I have left over on my diet plan and I'll eat the Caesar Salad that fits into my diet plan with a side of grilled chicken, and I won't devour the Pizookie's that are promising me the happiness that my "boyfriend" failed to deliver.

There is never a good time to start a diet.  There is never a right time to join a gym, or start walking, or get those damned tennis shoes that are good for you.  You just have to shut up, suck it up and fucking do it.

I can cry my eyes out on the treadmill tomorrow.

Guess Who's Back...Back Again...ChuChi's Back...Tell A Friend!

Yes, I've lost touch.

Yes, I have not actively sought to lose weight.

Yes, my eating habits returned to "normal".

Yes, I have not been actively exercising.

Yes, I have gained a couple of the pounds that I have lost.

But I have not failed.  

I have not failed because I managed to keep off the grand majority of the weight I've lost.  (In the past six months, I've only put back on 10 lbs despite dealing with major stress, depression and anxiety.)

I have not failed because I'M BACK.  Failure suggests an ending, and my journey has only been paused.

I have not failed because this time, I've found a gym that I can afford.  A gym with a personal trainer who can help me to design a work out plan and a diet that will work for me.

I have not failed because I've found somebody to exercise and diet with who can motivate and inspire me while I motivate and inspire him in return.

I have not failed because I have not given up.  I knew this day would come, when my personal issues would quiet down and I could give healthy living another go.

I know life will get in the way some times and I know that I can't always use it as an excuse.  I know that it was weak of me to give in to outside pressures over the past few months, but learning and changing old habits takes time.

And I WILL get there.

So, I pigged out on cookies this morning because I knew that tomorrow, CHUCHI IS BACK!

This Memorial Day is not only in memory of those brave men and women who have died for my freedom in battle, but it is a burying of the me I used to be and the beginning of another battle in the war for my health.

Mom has been seeing some new doctors recently and is finally getting some pain management and treatment for the other issues which continue to ail her.  We are fortunate in that her Leukemia still seems to be at bay and I pray that she is on the road to become the go-getter that she used to be.

My father has undergone the fourth surgery on his right knee and the infection that plagued him is FINALLY gone.  The first time he stood up on his own two feet in nine months, my mother and father cried as I simply rushed to his side and hugged him tight.  He is only three weeks out from surgery and is still recovering from surgery and numerous complications he's experienced along the way...but the arduous journey to this point is over and he is beginning to resume being the strong, proud husband, father and caretaker that I have always known and loved.

As for me, the Chubby Chick has found someone who loves her as the Chubby Chick that she is.  To respect his privacy, I shall nickname him "The Robust Romeo".  Although his battle with the bulge is nowhere near as epic as mine, and although he honestly loves me - curves and all - we've agreed to work out together and support each other in trying to live healthier lives.

As of tonight, I've signed up for a gym called Planet Fitness and I am VERY excited to get started - the gym is only $20 a month and it includes cardio machines, resistance training, strength training and a 30 minute circuit (which was what I loved about Curves) in addition to water massage beds and massage chairs to reduce the risk of injury and tanning beds so that the Chuchi might actually have a tan for the first time in her long, white life.

I know I need to prove myself to all of you...that I'm not such a flake and that I really am in this for the long haul, so I am not going to be requesting any donations at this time.   The first ten pounds are all on me - to prove I can do it.  Once I get back down to where I was when everything went bad, I'll get started back on earning money for charity.  :o)

Thanks for your support, encouragement, inspiration, motivation and most importantly - patience.