Day 26: I'm bAaAaAck!!!!!! :oP

Okay, I'm still not 100%, but I'm definately back to my fun-loving, sarcastic, more energetic self.  Yay!  Due to the fact that I still have a cough and my lungs are still a little tight, I've decided to give myself one more recovery day before I start my exercise routine again.

But, guess what folks?  I DID IT!  I made it through August and (cough aside), I feel fantastic!  In less than seven hours, I will be weighing myself to calculate my total weight loss for the month.  It feels great to know that I've lost the weight (no matter how much it is), but it feels even better to know that I've helped raise money towards finding treatment, therapy and a cure for ALS.  Grab those wallets and sign those checks, folks - IT'S LOOKING GOOD!  *Does a little happy jig*

 

 

Since tomorrow marks the first of a brand new month, it means that I will also be updating my photos and measurements for the very first time.  I don't believe the photos will really show any difference yet, but I'm curious if there will be any change in my measurements yet (considering that I am now able to wear smaller pants.)  Truth be told, I did my own measurements the first time and for specific reasons, I will be doing my own measurements tomorrow as well - but I might see if I can get someone else to help me with that beginning with October - just to make sure I'm accurate and consistent.

I've given myself a short term goal to work towards.  See, I've been wanting to look for a new job for a while now - preferrably something outside of retail that can use my office and organizational experience as well as my customer service skills.  However, I've been putting it off because I don't currently have anything professional looking in my wardrobe and I haven't been able to afford to go out and buy anything.  When you're in larger sizes AND on a budget, your clothing options aren't quite as varied as smaller sizes.  For example, I have a hard enough time finding things that fit me in Plus Size stores - the odds are stacked against me that I'll find anything at yard sales or thrift stores.


I do, however, have a couple of shirts and jackets from when I last worked in an office setting - including a blouse that I always loved to wear because of the way that it looked on me.  The catch?   The blouse is a size 26.  Since I'm currently a size 30/32 top, it's going to take a lot of hard work to get there but - the moment I do - I'm handing out the resumes!

I was also watching the music video for Big & Rich's "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy".  Have you seen it?  If....I mean, "when"... I reach my goal weight, I TOTALLY want to rock one of those black outfits in the very sexiest of ways!

 

Since agreeing to update my mother and father's food diaries for them on MyFitnessPal.com, I've come to realize how difficult it is to keep three logs updated every single day.  Not only does it take a lot longer to do because I have to work with them to do it (as opposed to me quickly updating my own diary), but I don't want to feel like they are falling behind if I am unable to update it for them at any given time.  So, I came up with an idea that I thought would be motivational, encouraging and helpful without being as if I was trying to force them into it.

I grabbed two spiral notebooks that I had available and labeled the front with their names.  The very first page is a pocket, so I put a cute little graphic and wrote beneath it "Best of luck on this journey."

 

Then, every third page, I pasted in another cute or inspirational image.  On the top of the very first page, I wrote down their current weight and their daily goals (calories, carbs, fat and protein), so that they have it easily available.  I clipped a pen into the spiral of each notebook and then presented it to them with an explanation.  My dad already had his filled out and waiting before he went to bed, but I have to get his password before I can update it.  (*oopsie*)

On a random thought, some people on my Facebook page were pointing out that they were from Canada, and that got me to wondering where my Blogger readers were from (although I don't seem to have very many at this point in time...)  So, if there are any of you out there still reading this - HIYA!  I'm ChuChi, what's your name?  Where are ya from?  And, how did you find out about my blog?

 

Hope ya keep reading but, for now, I'm off to bed.

Kisses and Squishes!

ChuChi

 

 

Day 25: "Nyquil - Nectar of the Gods..."

I'm not sure if I've mentioned it...but I don't feel good.

Still.

After five days.

I can see the end in sight...but I'm not quite there yet. 

Had to go back to work today - simply can't afford to miss anymore. My paycheck will be miserable as it is.  They had me working in the store's "Cafe".  Yep - they had me feeding people despite my cough and froggy voice.  I did my best to wash my hands even more than usual and be extra, extra careful about germies.  It was a shorter shift than I usually work, but that didn't keep me from being absolutely worn out at the end of it all.

On the "diet and exercise" front, my appetite has maintained, despite not feeling well for the past five days.  That is, until, today.  I prepared myself a decent serving of some broccoli, cous-cous, garlic and EVOO for dinner but, two bites in, I was done.  I just lost all desire to eat anything. Instead, I spent my meal break nursing a bottle of hot green tea.

After work, I managed to squeeze down a jello and half a pear, but I was barely able to consume my 1200 calorie minimum for the day.  (For those not "in the know", the average adult requires a minimum of 1200 calories per day - especially when dieting.  If not, your body goes into "starvation" mode and begins storing fat, thereby working against you.)

Coupled with the fact that I went to work today, where I was on my feet and moving around for 5h:15m of a six and a half hour shift, odds are in my favor that I lost some weight today.

One more day left in August, which means that I have less than 24 hours to reach my goal of 20 lbs lost for the month.  I've lasted this long on diets before...but I've usually struggled.  I've had "cheat" days.  I've had days where one little mess-up made me stop trying for the entire day.  I've hated the food, or I've struggled with hours at a time where I felt like I was starving.

I'm happy to say, for the past 25 days, the worst I've dealt with was going "slightly" over my calorie or fat goals for the day or having a craving for something salty which nothing in my house would satisfy.  However, even these issues I'm learning to overcome.  Mom has been on the hunt for healthy low-cal, low-fat snacks in order to beat the cravings and I'm getting better every day at calculating my calories and fat in advance.

My mom has totally become excited and involved in the project now.  Every night she tells me about new products she's found that we can enjoy.  She's reading every single label and asking me about what things are better for me or worse for me to eat.  She's entirely changed her eating habits now so that they much more reflect mine.  Dad is struggling a little bit with the entire change over, but he's making an effort and I respect that he has to do it at his own pace.  No amount of lecturing and nagging and pushing and forcing on my part will do anything if he hasn't come to make the same committment to himself.

I'm looking forward to September, thanks to the incredibly generous offers I've recieved from Lissa and Jennie, but I am still searching for somebody to benefit the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. 

Still no takers?

Day 24: Burning Calories, One Way Or Another...

Day four of my hacking, body wracking cough.  I'm hoping - by how incredibly sore my ribs, back, shoulders and abs are - that it means my muscles are getting some sort of a work out from all of this.  In addition, I googled it and - although there is no way to measure how many calories I have burned coughing for four days, the professionals say that I AM burning calories.  It might not be my preferred method of exercise, but it surely has my breathing, pulse and blood pressure elevated!  I believe that throwing up part of my lunch again today may have burned some calories as well...not to mention the calories that I gave up to my porcelein Goddess.  I'm reaching my 20 lb goal one way or another!  lmao

Despite feeling like poop for yet another day, today was a good...no, a GREAT day!  My mom had a doctor's appointment this morning and discovered that she's lost 8 lbs!  I can't personally take any credit for it, but she insists that it was my inspiration; because she is shopping healthier and being more mindful of what she brings into the house for me, she is eating better in turn.

My parents have both taken to asking me questions about what I'm doing - wheras they may have been quick to provide advice at first, they are beginning to wonder what I'm doing differently this time and why it seems to be working.  I hate to be a born again skinny person (like all the fat people before me who lose weight and then think they know it all), but I love sharing with them what I've found works for me.  Since we all know each other's eating habits, it's easy to support each other and encourage each other away from our weaknesses.

Furthermore, both of my parents have signed up for MyFitnessPal.com!  Mom's even adopted the name "ChuChi's Ma" for herself.  (Can you tell she's proud?)  Dad is not all too thrilled with the notion of counting calories and having to enter everything into the online form, but I've told him if he keeps a daily journal of what he ate, that I would gladly enter it for him.  My mom, on the other hand, is a little intimidated by new technology, so it will take her a while to get the hang of it - but I've eagerly encouraged her by offering to input her meals as well for the time being.  Today was the first day we completed their food diaries, and they both ate under their goals!  In fact, mom was even under the 1200 minimum caloric intake, so I helped her figure out what she could eat to bring her to a safe calorie intake and gave her some feedback on how she can improve her nutrition in the future.

Having started this with such personal goals, it blows me away each time I find out that this project is helping someone else.  To know that it could finally make a permanent change in my household after all these years is extraordinary!

Even more "good" news - my Dad's doctor has confirmed that my father is NOT diabetic, however, he is in the high end of what is acceptable.  This means, unless he changes his eating habits and loses weight, he could still slip over the borderline into diabetes.  However, his doctor feels that he is safe to undergo his knee replacement surgery, so now we are just waiting for the surgeon to reschedule.

The bit of scary news is that at my mom's morning oncologist appointment, she discovered that her white cells are just a tiny bit elevated.  The doctor said there was no cause for alarm, but we simply need to monitor her blood results in the coming weeks.  Meanwhile, they moved up the date for my mom's next scan to ensure that her lymphnodes are maintaining and not swelling any further.  This is at the end of my blog not because it is the least important or because I want to downplay it, but because I am optimistic that she is going to nip this in the bud and because this is only driving me harder to earn some funds for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society in September.  My mom is more than worth it.  So, if you can't donate, please help me spread the word until I can find someone who can.  I promise, on my part, to bust my ass to earn it.

Until tomorrow folks, this is a sick and tired ChuChi, signing off and praying that my prescription with codeine kicks in soon...

Day 23: Razor Blades and Gravel...

I don't recall gargling razor blades and inhaling a fistful of gravel, but it sure feels like I did!  (Sorry if you've already read this catchline on FB, but it's the best way I can explain how I'm feeling today.)

My cough has intensified, my throat aches all the time and I have a headache to boot.  I've spent the grand majority of the day just sleeping miserably.  Doctor is calling in a prescription for cough medicine with codeine for the night while I'm chugging extra strength Robutussin during the day.  My entire body aches - especially my back, ribs and chest from the hassle of coughing so much.

Yet another damn day without being able to exercise.  I feel terrible...like I'm giving myself excuses over and over and over again and I really don't want to be like that.  I want to be a freaking warrior and kick my fat's ass, instead of a pansy who lets rain and a cough get in my way.  On the other hand, my family is concerned about me jumping into an exercise routine irresponsibly.  They're afraid - given that my health is not the best - that I'll push myself too hard too quickly and end up getting hurt.  It's hard to be objective from my point of view, so I'm constantly wondering:  Am I being logical and rational in putting it off, or am I just being lazy like usual?

Meanwhile, my emotional desire to eat is kicking in.  I've eaten very light, though responsibly for the day - but I'm not taking any joy in it.  I'm in big baby mode and, since I'm too big to be anyone's baby and there is no one in my life to just hold me and run their fingers through my hair till I feel better, my next comfort go to is food.  I'm wishing for some cookie dough, or some ice cream, a grilled cheese sandwich or some Campbell's chicken noodle soup with Fritos.  When I was sick as a kid, my parents would often give me popsicles and 7-Up.  I haven't relied on that in years but right about now, even that would feel like a big warm emotional hug.

Don't worry, I won't do it (in truth, I'm missing more work tonight and can't afford any of it anyways).   But, *wanting* to is just adding to my miserableness.

So, with that, I think I'll bring this rambling, downer of a post to it's conclusion.  I'll try to be funny again tomorrow - promise.

Day 22: The ups, downs and all-arounds...

Heidy Ho Everyone!

So, today has simply been all over the map.

To start with, it's WEIGH IN TIME!  I jumped on the scale this morning and was ecstatic to see that I am now at a weight of 349.9 lbs.  That means I've lost an even 17 lbs since starting this journey three weeks ago!!!!  *jumps for joy, then jiggles on the way back down*  My weight loss is sure to begin slowing down gradually - I've been through this enough to know to expect that, but I couldn't be happier to have such a fantastic starting point.

This means that I have already earned $110.00 for charity!  Over a hundred dollars in three weeks time!  Can you believe it?  When I started this, never in a million years would I have expected that kind of an outcome so very quickly, and I couldn't have done it without the support of Modina Arkills, Angelique Smith, Laurie Mahoney, Cheryl's Creative Block, Jenna Hodge and Richard Mahoney.  However, I still have till Saturday to get as much out of them as possible, so I really, really hope to pull off three more pounds before my end-of-month weigh in on Saturday, thus putting me at a solid 20 lb weight loss for the month.

Unfortunately, I am not off to a great start on that goal, but I'll get back to that in a minute.

So, my morning was spent in the hospital with my parents as my father was prepped for much needed knee replacement surgery.  Mom and I were extra responsible - each packing a bag full of nutritious, healthy goodies to get us through the day.  But, sadly, pre-op testing found that my father's blood sugar was elevated, which means that he may be pre-stage diabetic.  Since this new information puts him at risk, the doctor had to postpone the surgery until my father can follow up with his primary physician.  After having been in such pain and spending months looking forward to this surgery, my father was crushed and it absolutely broke my heart.  However, both aspects are a somber reminder of why I must lose this weight.  At 31 years old, my knees are already aching and I have a genetic disposition towards diabetes.

I'm confident I'm going to save myself this time around, and I'm incredibly hopeful that it is not too late for me to save my Dad, too.

After leaving the hospital, we went to a local diner for breakfast.  I did my best - asking if they had anything available with nutrition facts.  Unfortunately, it's just a small, family owned diner, so none of that information was available.  Therefore, I did my best to order sensibly, choosing a ham and cheese omelet with whole wheat toast.

Having not slept well last night due to allergies, stress and a terrible, hacking cough, I eagerly jumped back into bed the moment we got home.

I didn't fret much over lunch, since I had already packed food for the hospital, so I settled on a ham sandwich on whole wheat sandwich rounds, some carrots and two cheesesticks.

Shortly after, my painful cough got the very best of me, and I found myself doubled over in the bathroom, coughing so intensely that it felt as if I had razors rumbling around in my chest and losing my lunch.  Sadly, the only meds I had available was some out of date chloriseptic - but it numbed my throat enough to keep me from being sick again.

I had the great pleasure of joining my parents, aunts, uncles and grandmother at Outback Steakhouse for dinner.  Having been too tired to unpack my laptop (I took it to the hospital) and input my meals for the day, I was relatively confident that I had learned enough to make the right choices.  Plus, since my parents and I had eaten at Outback recently, my mom and I had already worked out the perfect way to split a meal and I had learned to skip the bread and my beloved Bloomin' Onion, so I was confident that all was good.

Besides - between coughing up a lung and laughing at my outrageous family, I was sure I was getting to burn SOME calories.  As a child, I had thought that my father's family was so proper and respectable.  After a couple of drinks, all of my child-like, preconcieved notions were demolished as my aunt shook her tatas in my grandmother's face, the elder folks discussed fiber, intestinal health, hormones and holistic healing, another aunt celebrated her birthday a week early just for the free ice cream and we took to calling everyone at the table "Bob".  For an added laugh, one couple - who claimed they only wanted a couple of drinks - ended up filling their bellies with everyone else's leftovers.

The great challenge of the night?  Aside from my parents and I, everyone else ordered dessert.  Not only that, but they all wanted to share, and the only way to share around the large table was to pass it around.

FOUR TIMES I held ice cream and chocolate and whip cream in my hands as I passed it back and forth.  I declined at least five very generous offers to take a bite.  I swore aside to my mom that if one more dish came into my hands, I was probably going to end up licking the damn thing clean.  Thankfully, the ice cream and chocolate had melted by then and the great-dessert-sharing of 2012 had come to an end.  In the process of laughing at my fool relatives' antics, my cough also seemed to ease up a little.  (Yes, Aunt Scary - I documented this for you, since I know how badly you were looking forward to reading all about it.  lol)

In addition to some wonderful laughter, I discussed ChuChi with my family for the first time and was - of course - ecstatic to see their pride and encouragement.  One of my aunts has already become incredibly supportive and is already discussing plans to challenge me for several months - possibly to benefit the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, like I've been wanting so badly to do.  Even my grandmother sidled up to me at one point and asked me about it and, when I told her I've gone down a pant size...I'll never forget the gleam of pride in her eyes.  I hope I get to see that look many more times in the next couple of years.

We decided to gather at my aunt's house for a little while after dinner, with the exception that my parents and I had to run to the drug store to pick up some cough medicine.  This was when this roller coaster of a day took a turn for the worse.

You know that moment when you see something in the street, and you try to figure out whether it is an object or a living thing?  My father was pulling up in front of Publix as we found ourselves facing that moment - except the answer was immediately clear upon the people stopping and staring motionlessly at the small kitten in the middle of the road.  My father had not even come to a complete stop yet when my mom and I both jumped out of the car and ran towards the small thing, it's tail wagging sporatically.  At first, I was hopeful - but as I got closer, I could tell that there was no way this beautiful, tiny little cat was going to survive this.  "They just hit it."  One of the bystanders told us as I bent down and my mom hovered over me.  She had a severe head injury and one of her paws was damaged.  "Another cat chased her out into the street."  The woman beside him informed us.

How can someone hit a living creature and just drive off?  How can people witness it happen and just stand there and watch as this beautiful, tiny little thing suffers?  I can't wrap my head around the fact that there is anyone out there who wouldn't do exactly as my mother and I had done - run to the animal's aid as quickly as possible.  As I looked around for something to help me pick up the kitten (I didn't want to get blood on my hands or my clothes), the frail thing began seizing terribly.  My mom wanted to do something, but I knew it was too late - the only thing we could possibly do was end this as quickly as possible.  Sadly, I didn't have the first clue how to do that humanely in the middle of the street.

By then, my father had put the car in park, turned on the emergency lights, closed the door and reached our side.  Having worked for a veterinarian as a teenager, he is much more familiar with these kinds of things.  He reached down, his hand nearly dwarfing the kitten, placing his thumb over the kitten's heart.  I've seen animals and people die before and...I am able to go a little numb in the moment...rationale overriding emotion.  But I'm sitting here now, remembering what the poor little thing looked like and it's breaking my heart.  It didn't take much, but my father was able to put enough pressure on her heart to end her suffering more swiftly.  I went inside Publix and grabbed some bags, came back out and scooped her up.

One person suggested that we simply throw her in the garbage and, I guess in the grand scheme of things, there is nothing inhumane about that.  But any time my family has witnessed an animal's passing, we've seen to it that it recieve a burial.  So, when we got home, I took the little kitten to a dirt area outside of our home and buried her as deeply as I was able to before my cough took over.

See what I mean?  Pretty crazy, warped day, wasn't it?

Finally, before starting this post, I updated my food journal for the day and sadly discovered that I came in *just* under my suggested caloric intake for the day and went way over my suggested fat and protein intakes for the day.  Granted, since the diner this morning is not online, my breakfast entries are all rough estimates (and I tend to round up).  In addition, there is no calculating what I might have lost when I was sick earlier, so it's all kind of up in the air for the day.  No worries:  live, learn and do better tomorrow.

Meanwhile, due to my weight loss thus far, I have now recalculated my daily goals and have found that - although significant - the recommended changes are doable.

Between the cough, the robitussin, the stress, the joy, the sorrow and everything else - it is easy to understand why I am so very ready to climb into my bed right now.  So, goodnight my friends and - as always - thanks for following along.

Love and Squishes,
ChuChi

PS:  I finally learned how to change my settings so you no longer have to sign up for a google account in order to comment on my posts!  I hope that this will encourage more of you to comment more frequently, as I love recieving feedback - but if you are not a google user, please sign your comments with a name or nickname so that I know who I'm talking to.  HOPE TO HEAR FROM YOU SOON!

Day 21: Storms and Recovery

Being born and raised in Miami, I know one very important thing about South Florida:  we only have three seasons - Spring, Summer and Hurricane.

Sunday marked the arrival of this year's first Tropical Storm in South Florida - a tiny badass named Isaac.  So, we boarded up our houses, cleared all the bottled water from the shelves, and huddled inside our houses as we waited for the big bad storm.

Then we sat inside, watching the 24 hour news coverage.

8:00 am:  "As the first bands of Tropical Storm Isaac reach South Florida, we can catch just a glimpse of the torrential rainfall we are to expect."  (imagine someone just out of range of the camera dipping their fingers into water and splashing it at the reporter)

8:05 am:  "It's stopped raining for the time being, but we all know - the worst is yet to come."

8:15 am:  Camera sweeps over a wet street, focusing on a dead palm frond that has fallen on the road.  "As you can see, folks - the devastating affects of T.S. Isaac has only begun"

8:20 am:  "Well, Bob - as you can see behind me, the rain is practically a deluge"

8:21 am:  "It seems that the rain has stopped...for now.  Back to you, Bob."

I'm not complaining - the "Severe Tropical Storm" with "Hurricane Force Winds" gave me the perfect opportunity to sleep in and recover from my friend's late night party.  And, given the fact that my throat was incredibly sore and my body was aching - I needed it.

Come to think of it, I think my friend's party may have been more destructive than the storm!  lol

Unfortunately, I've had a deep, rumbling in my chest that has led to an irritating, painful cough.  Not sure where it all came from, but I'm hoping some Dayquil and Nyquil will knock it out soon.  Meanwhile - I sound like a chain smoker from hell!  lol

Tomorrow is my three week weigh-in, so I'm anxious to see my results - although slightly concerned that my scale might act up again.

On one final note, I am constantly surprised by the people who are following my journey.  I keep recieving these random little shout outs from people that I would not have expected.  It is always a pleasant surprise and a wonderful little boost to keep me going.  If you're following me - DON'T BE SHY!  Lurkers are selfish and my laughs are not for free.  (lol)  So, send me a little shout-out and let me know you're there!

Love and Squishes,
ChuChi

Day 20: Celebration, Will Power & Answered Prayers

Warning:  Tropical Storm Isaac is outside my bedroom window and I have nothing better to do, so prepare for a long one.

So, Saturday was mostly spent preparing for and celebrating my good friend's thirtieth birthday party.  I thought, with a Tropical Storm on the horizon, that she might choose to reschedule her outdoor celebration...but, really?  I should know my friend better than that by now.

I went to help set-up and brought my trusty, 64 oz water jug filled with ice to keep hydrated, as well as a Vitamin water to reload on electrolytes when we were done decorating.  I also managed to avoid the chips and dip they were munching on when I first arrived, choosing instead to get straight to work.   I was slightly dissappointed when the food began to arrive and I saw ham croquetas, cuban pastries, cuban sandwiches, macaroni salad, marshmallow salad...mostly, things that I am trying to avoid right now.  They had planned to have a fruit and vegetable platter, but apparently, it didn't make it to the party.

It took us a lot longer to set up than expected and I managed to sneak back home about a half hour before the party started in order to get cleaned up and dressed.  I showered and jumped on the computer while waiting for my hair to dry.  Although it would be difficult, I knew I could avoid the cuban pastries (even the one filled with cream cheese that is simply scrumptious!), but I couldn't stay away from the ham croquetas forever.  I thought to myself "It's protein...how bad could it really be?"

"Pastelito Con Queso" = Cuban Pastry with Cheese

 

So I looked it up.

For a tiny, two inch, fried ham croqueta it contains 175 calories and 10 grams each of carbs, fat and protein.

"Croqueta de Hamon" = Ham Croqettes

I was ready to cry.  I mean, I had a thousand-some calories available, but still?

So, I grabbed a little lunch sack and packed yogurt, a banana, a pear, some almonds, a couple of cheese sticks, a Lipton Diet Green Tea and some vitamin water, plus a slim fast double fudge snack bar (just in case the temptation to eat a slice of cake was overwhelming).  About an hour and a half later, I was on my way back into battle - er, I mean, back to the party with the deviled eggs and jello shots (my specialty).

I ate the banana on the way.  lol

After taking care of a few last minute things, I granted myself two ham croquetas.  A little while later, when someone brought a tray of meatballs in barbecue sauce, I grabbed two of those as well.  Then, I occupied myself cutting up limes for the Coronas and the Tequila shots and socializing for a bit.

When the munchies got a hold of me again, I grabbed my jug of water and my light cheesesticks and snuck out to the front porch, where I could eat my cheese sticks without standing out too much in the crowd.  My best friend's brother happened to come out and he and his girlfriend kept me company for a while, which was really nice getting to catch up, but soon, the drunken birthday girl found me and dragged me back to the party.

You know how it's a lot more fun to dance to music that you know than it is to dance to music that you don't know or don't understand?  Well, my three closest friends are Latina, which means most of the time, they are dancing to Spanish music. I'm unfamiliar with the tunes and I can't sing a long, so it's difficult for me to really get into it - but, I did my best to move to the beat and stay out of the way for those who really knew what they were doing.  In my opinion, it just looked like a lot of clothed baby making on the dance floor, and I found myself wondering if I would EVER be comfortable dancing like that - even if I got down to my ideal weight.

I don't even know how many calories I've burned, but soon I wandered off to get some water and rehydrate.  I don't drink very often, so my friends were ecstatic when I returned to the dance floor and drank a quarter of a glass of "Blue Hurricane" with them.  Then, I tried for a little bit longer not to look too "white" on the dance floor.

I had JUST wandered away to use the restroom when I heard the opening beats to a Pitbull song thrumming through the house, and I literally shouted "THAT'S MY JAM!!!!"  lmao  You should have seen the look on everyone's faces when the "white girl" came walking out of the house ghetto style, stormed into the middle of the dance floor and started dancing.  Now, mind you, I still don't move quite that well and I really don't have any special dance moves - no twirling or bumping or grinding and sure-as-hell no way I can bend my knees down low AND get back up again without a crane - but, I was moving enough to feel my heart racing and my breath ragged and for the sweat to be pouring off of me.  Assuming that the next song would be Latin again, I was dying for a drink of water but, I think my friends were so elated that I was REALLY dancing with them that they immediately put on another Pitbull song, ensuring that I'd be staying on the dance floor.  Man, cameras were flashing like the freaking paparazzi!  I'm sure I looked like a complete ass, but I had fun.

After three hours of straight up latin music, my friends played three Pitbull songs in a row, surely just because they finally figured out what I would dance to and were refusing to let me get off the dance floor.  However, I guess that they ran out of American music on the playlist, because the rest of the night was dedicated to spanish music again.  Still, given how little I ate, how hard I worked setting up and the few times that I got on the dance floor - I'm confident that I burned some major calories.

Hell - I'm pretty sure that the ONE Tequila shot I took burned some calories on it's own.  DAMN!

I helped pass out the cake as I usually do - it was a Publix cake, obviously decadent and moist with a fantastic, thick-looking fudge filling - and I didn't eat one slice of it.  In fact, I didn't even lick my finger after I accidentally got some icing on it!  Nope - not a single taste of that sugary phenomena passed my lips!

I DID IT!

 

 

To top off a phenomenal day, I discussed in my last post how concerned I was that my project would go bust after the first month.  With September quickly approaching, I had no new challenges and it was making me a nervous wreck.  Not only had I not recieved any new challenges or pledges, but my Facebook page stopped growing abruptly once I hit 23 likes.  I had never expected it to be that popular to begin with, but it was weird how it skyrocketed the first week and then just died.  I've been terrified that this would be the end.  Aside from Angelique's generous November deadline and Modina's very kind February deadline - I had no immediate goals to work towards.

 

Then, two women each kindly blessed me with incredibly generous offers.  The first to step forward was Lissa Brown, who has pledged $5 per pound lost in September to benefit a local food bank!  After having been so afraid that this was going to end, that was enough to bring me to the brink of tears.

 

The second is one of my beloved high school mentors - the woman who not only encouraged my love for community service and supported my struggle to earn a prestigious high school award, but also became a lifelong friend - who has pledged $2 per pound lost for the months of September, October, November AND December!

 

I never could have imagined that people could be THAT VERY GENEROUS - it overwhelms me in such all encompassing ways.

 

People keep telling me how brave I am or how inspiring I am (great, here come the water works), but it makes me feel so guilty because in reality, this is so incredibly selfish.  This entire project is about me asking for support, encouragement and motivation.  Me, me, me, me, me.  It's without all of you out there that I would be the uninspired, unmotivated one.  I just had an idea, but if all of you hadn't embraced it, I'd just be another fat chick looking for a miracle.  Hell, you only need look at my panic about not having challenges for September to see how cowardly and weak I really am.  I'm the wheels on this train - but you all are the engine, pulling it full steam ahead.

 

Me?  I'm losing weight.  Charity?  They're getting much needed donations.  But you?  You're getting a tax-deduction that in all actuality, you could get just as easily without me.  You are supporting a fat chick trying to lose weight - in many cases, a fat chick that you don't even know.  You are complimenting me and encouraging me and challenging me and to top it all off, you're giving money to people in need.

 

YOU are the brave ones.

 

YOU are the inspiration.

 

YOU are the generous and compassionate.

 

ME?  I'm just the lucky one who gets to have you all on my side, and I can't begin to thank you enough for that.

 

So, since there is no end to my selfishness *insert cheesy grin*, I am ecstatic with the challenges and pledges I've recieved so far - but I have been unable to get any pledges for the charity I am sponsoring this month.  If you have any interest in donating to the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society to help me honor my mom and fight for a cure, then please let me know.

 

OH!  OH!  OH!  I almost forgot one more thing - if you want to support me but are not in the position to do so financially (which is TOTALLY understandable), there are two other ways you can help.

 

Donations of time are just as important as monetary contributions.  For example, one friend has pledged to donate a half hour to a local charity for every pound that I lose, and I am equally as ecstatic to rack up those half hours!

And, of course, you can help me spread the word about my project.  Although I had originally only counted on my friends and family to help me with this, thanks to you, I've come to realize that there are so many more countless kind hearts out there willing to get involved.  So, maybe you are unable to make a contribution to charity, but you might have two or five or ten friends who are.  So, if you know someone who might be willing to jump on the Chubby Chick's bandwagon, pass on the word!

As a little side challenge to myself, I'm curious to see if I can get this page up to 100 likes someday - just to increase the odds that I can keep getting such phenomenal support and donations.  :o)

 

Thank you all so very much, from the bottom of my oversized, overworked heart.

 

Much Love,

ChuChi

Day 19: Milestones and Fears...

Day 19 started with a small victory:  I comfortably fit into a pair of size 26 pants.

Like I said, it's a small milestone because I had just worked my way into size 28's last month.  Around the beginning of July, my pants had started to fit tighter around my thighs and butt.  A week or so later, they began to feel uncomfortable around my waist.  By the third week of July, I have having trouble breathing, so I jumped up a size.  Sadly, I had no size 28 pants around my house, only my old 30/32's...so I've been wearing those ever since.  Sure, they were baggy, but they did the trick.

The past week, the 30/32's have been hanging off my hips WAY too much - driving me absolutely insane at work where I happen to do a lot of bending and lifting - the pants were constantly shifting downward.  So, when I was getting ready for work and spotted a pair of my smaller size 26 pants, I thought I'd try them on.  At first, I expected them to be a little snug - but when they slipped over my hips and buttoned with ease, I was pretty satisfied.

I've just won a battle in the war.

See, as nice as it is to be one size down, it is going to take me a long time to lose the additional 14 sizes I need to hit my target size.  I'm less than one month in and I'm already worrying about where I'm going to find challengers and sponsors for September.  Thus far, although I have people following me, encouraging me and supporting me - I have not recieved any challenges for next month yet.  I'd like to think that I'm going strong enough that I could do without it - but the truth is that I'm not so sure.

I'm not asking for much - any little amount matters and my supporters are FULLY in control of the terms, so they don't have to pledge anything that is outside of their comfort level.

For September, I've even chosen a charity that is extra close to my heart.  A few months ago, my mom was diagnosed with Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia.  I've watched as her health has deteriorated more and more over the past few years and this is only one of the causes for the way she is feeling.

For those who don't know my mother - she is a force to be reckoned with.  She's survived hardships that I can't even begin to describe, among them being five miscarriages between my brother and I.  She's slept in the hospital more times than I can begin to count when I was a sickly baby, only later to become my elementary school PTA president, my girl scout leader, my high school drama club booster president, the adult chaperone who helped me to launch my own theater program as a HS Senior and my best friend.  She wanted me to go to college so desperately that, when I didn't have a car or driver's license, she would drive me to classes and then wait in the parking lot while she waited for me to get out.  At first, she did crossword puzzles and took naps, but eventually, she found a local pet shop where she would visit - she's always been an avid animal lover and has a soft spot for everything furry.  Even in the years when she's began not to feel so well - she's always put her own health, comfort and happiness aside when it comes to helping others.  Cleaning people's home when they were recovering from surgery, cooking or baking for events that she otherwise did not even feel good enough to attend.

Thankfully, the Leukemia is in check for now...but in the years ahead, we are sure to have to face the scary truth of it.

So, September is especially important to me for so very many different reasons.  I want to lose weight, but I really, really want to feel like I'm making a difference, too.  Like there is some greater cause benefitting from the effort I'm putting into doing this.  It's selfish of me, I know.  I'm not doing anything incredibly spectacular to earn these donations...yet, the thought helps when I'd rather stay in bed than go out for a sunrise walk, or when I'm denying myself that midnight snack of potato chips.  If I can keep this up long enough, than I'd like to start doing walks for charity, so that I can feel I'm doing a little more to earn it...but for now, this is all I've got.

I'm loving my life right now...feeling better about myself every single day...I don't want August to be the end of it.

Day 18: *Sniff*

Nothing much to report today.  I've been huffing nosespray numerous times today trying to clear up my sinuses.  Finally, my right nostril seems to be cooperating, but the left nostril is a rebel.  I'm praying my sinuses and asthma give in enough that I can fit in a work out tomorrow and Saturday.

My father treated me and my mother to Outback Steakhouse tonight.  I had over 1,000 calories left and I figured I knew how to eat properly, so I wasn't that worried.  My mom and I shared their $15 four-course meal deal.  I got a house salad with Ranch (tried for Italian, but they didn't have any) and gave mom the potato soup.  We split a filet, she had the mashed potatos and I ordered  a side of broccoli (Outback Broccoli is to die for!)  The dessert was donated to my father.

I was very proud of myself, but when I input the meal into myfitnesspal.com later, I was dissapointed to find that I had blown through my fat goals for the day by 40 grams.  I'm pretty sure it was the bit of blooming onion that did me in.  An Alli pill might have helped but, by the time I realized the damage, taking a pill would have kept me up all night long running to the bathroom.  Live and learn.  On the plus side, I was still under my calories and carbs for the day and was loaded up with protein.

Sadly, after looking into my finances, I've discovered that I have some matters that need taking care of, so joining Curves is off the table for the time being.  My father very generously offered to pay for my membership as a sign of solidarity and to support my serious efforts to get healthy this time around, but I simply wouldn't feel comfortable accepting that.  Instead, there are plenty of free ways for me to get in shape for the time being, and joining Curves will just have to be another one of my goals to work towards.

Meanwhile, it appears that I might be influencing two other people to eat healthier, and that motivates me to no end.  While shopping today in preparation for an incoming Tropical Storm, my mom excitedly told me about all the labels she read.  As I helped her unload groceries, she proudly spouted off different statistics, telling me how she bought the brand that was better.  She even very proudly told me that she really wanted to buy some chocolate, but she didn't.  I teased her, telling her that I'm sure she could have bought the chocolate, eaten it in the car and then destroyed the evidence.  She laughed, telling me that she did think about it, but instead, she opened up a snack pack of apples that she bought for the house and munched on those.  How amazing would it be if, this time around, I not only pulled this off for myself but I managed to make my parents' lives better too?!

Day 17: *Sniff-Sniff*

Had a terrible time sleeping last night.  My nose has been stuffy for several days now and last night only got worse.  My nose is so stuffy and my sinuses are so clogged up that I was unable to get any real rest, my nose actually hurts and I have a terrible sinus headache.  Had to call out of work and then spent the rest of the day falling asleep off and on in the living room.

Tried couscous for the first time with dinner.  The variety I bought was supposed to be garlic and olive oil flavored.  My only complaint was that it was very dry, but a little "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" went a long way to improving it.  Some steamed broccoli really hit the spot as well.  I haven't been very hungry - ate a couple of mozzarella sticks for breakfast and stuck to cereal for lunch.  Came in under my caloric goals for the day.

Between not feeling well and some minor emotional drama, today is the kind of day where I would have typically drowned my emotions in junk food, but I didn't.  I can take a little bit of pleasure and pride in that, even if I'm not particularly feeling overjoyed.

Trying another nosespray tonight and hoping for some relief before the very early shift I agreed to work tomorrow morning.  If nothing else, I'll be satisfied if I can just breathe and get over this really nasty sinus headache.

Days 15 & 16: Blah, Blah, Blah

I am not a morning person.

I am not a "wake up early" person.

I am not an exercise enthusiast.

Therefore, you can sort of get an idea as to what it is like for me to wake up at 5 am - nearly four hours early for work - in order to eat breakfast, digest and go walking before sunrise at 6:50 am.  (Otherwise, the Florida sun is BRUTAL.)

But, I did it.  And, as my groggy, cranky ass was heating up my oatmeal, it suddenly occurred to me that TODAY WAS WEIGH-IN!

I excitedly pull out the scale, place it on the same tile (for consistent results) and hop on.  It read "345.3."  I shook my head because, that would mean that I lost 15 lbs in a week, and that just doesn't seem likely.  I let the scale reset and try again.  This time, I weigh in at 352.7 - an 8 lb loss.  I try a third time.  And then a fourth.  And a fifth.  I keep getting on, figuring I will know it's right when I get the same weight twice.  But ten, eleven, twelve times in, my weight is still fluctuating between 345 and 359 - though more often than not below 350.

Now, my oatmeal is in the microwave getting cold, and the microwave keeps beeping to remind me it's in there.  I've given up on one tile and have now moved the scale onto two other tiles to see if that will help.  My father walks over and stands on the scale, confirming that he weighs the same as he did yesterday.  He allows it to reset, steps back on and confirms that he just recieved the same weight yet again.  WTH?

So, I tell him to sit down, I pull the scale right over to him and ask him to watch as I stand on it to a) make sure I am standing on it properly and b) tell me what weight it says.  Sadly, because of my belly, I have to bend over to see the display on the scale, so I'm thinking if I can stand up tall and straight, it might give me an accurate reading twice.

One of the biggest perks of my job:  free food.  We get free breakfast/lunch every single friday.  Cake, cookies and snacks for every holiday.  Leftovers from each manager's meeting on Mondays.  Whenever there is a big project going on (like the annual store inventory yesterday), there is a treasure trove of snacks available.
First thing this morning:  my supervisor offers me some candy that is right in front of my register.  I decline.
Go the the lunchroom on my break - turn my back on the goodies while munching on my light cheese strip.
The junk food (which would normally be gone within 5 minutes) is still there during my lunch break while I eat some potatoes and broccoli with a drizzling of cheese sauce.
When I go in for my final break, I gratefully notice that the sour cream and cheddar chips are FINALLY gone, but I struggle to ignore the Doritos while I half-heartedly eat my fat free Greek yogurt with blueberries.

After a nine hour shift, the rest of the spread STILL REMAINS in the lunch room to taunt me as I get ready to go home.  With my purse on my shoulder and my empty lunch bag and water in one hand, I pass by the table, reach into the bag or Ranch Doritos, grab on broken piece of chip and haul ass for the exit, as if the junk food is going to grow legs and chase after me, insisting that I eat it.
I popped the 1/3 of a chip into my mouth and - Sweet Jesus, Lord and Savior - have they always had that much flavor?  I'm usually a pretty fast eater, but I swear to you that I chewed on that chip for a good 2 or 3 minutes before I finally swallowed it.

Right in front of my father, with him coaching me where to put my feet and confirming that I am doing everything right, I weigh myself for the 13 time.  The 14th time give me yet another reading, as does the 15th time.  Pissed off, I put the scale back and focus on reheating my oatmeal.  However, not knowing my weight nags at me, considering how anxiously I have waited, so I take another stab at it, thinking that I might be more calm now and better able to do it properly.

The next five times all yield different results, so I average out the three weights that were within the 350/360 mark (as all the other weights were in the 340's and it seems unlikely to me that I would have lost more than 10 lbs in a week).  Those three weights averaged out to 354.4, so I settled on that as my weight for the day - but its been bugging me ever since and I feel like I MUST get an answer tomorrow.

With my unknown weight gnawing at my brain, I did eat my oatmeal, walked 1.7 miles in 32 minutes before sunrise, and followed up with an electrolyte drink and protein snacks before heading in to work on time.  Did a lot of walking at work by putting back unwanted groceries and then doing laps in the liquor store while covering my coworker's breaks.

Tried to weigh myself at work, but the scales on display are now missing batteries and we don't sell the lithium batteries that they require, so that was a bust as well.

After work, I stopped by my local Curves to check out their prices.  I exercised there about four years ago before I was laid off from my last job, and ABSOLUTELY loved it!  I never felt out of place - even when the thinner women came in, there was always a sense of comraderie and support.  The workout was excellent and always left me feeling proud and energized.  They have a terrific deal going on right now: $121 for the first month and then only $39 every month after that.  Plus, they are offering other things now like nutrition classes and Zumba.  I would really LOVE to join again, so that I have a rainy day place to work out and get some real resistance training.  Plus, the employees there are educated and can give me a more accurate weight and measurements.  However, the hours are TERRIBLE and I really don't have the money.  I have till the end of August to decide before this deal changes.

Day 16 was a lazy, lazy day.  I seriously slept through the grand majority of the day and watched tv for the rest of it - which often made me doze off again.  My nose has been terribly stuffy lately and because I can't breathe, I'm not getting enough rest when I sleep.  Even my CPap isn't helping because it is supposed to force air through my nose...which is clogged up.  I'm using nosespray and Zytec and a Neti Pot, but I'm only getting minimal relief for a couple of hours at best.  On the plus side, my sleepiness left little time for eating, so I used up less than half of my calories for the day.  That should make up for not getting off my ass for 24 hours, right?

Day 14: Excuses, Excuses

I really have not been getting enough sleep.  Between working late one night and then having to come in early the next, staying up late because I'm so excited I just HAVE to blog and then setting my alarm for an absurdly early morning walk - I have not gotten much sleep the past four days.  In addition, my nose is stuffy from allergies and the nose spray is only giving me relief for a few hours at a time right now, which means that I am not breathign very well during the little bit of sleep I been getting.  As much as I want to believe that these are reasons, they are not; they are excuses - one of those things that I really need to work on.

For example, I woke up at 5 am today for my sunrise walk.  I ate oatmeal to carb-load before my exercise, prepared my after-walk snack (almonds for protein and vitamin water for electrolytes.) and then went to get my phone which...was dead.  Why was it dead?  I do not know - I'd had the mofo charging all freaking night as usual.  But, sure enough, as soon as I unplugged it from my computer, it shut off.  I knew I would not have enough time to charge it, go for my walk, recharge it, take my shower and get ready for work.  So, I plugged it back in and went back to sleep because I don't feel comfortable going out for a walk by myself (with my asthma) in an unopened park before the sun is officially up in the sky without having a phone on me.

Could I have taken my mom's phone?  I'm sure she would have let me, but that didn't cross my tired mind at 5:30 this morning.  Partly because it is hard enough to get up at the butt crack of dawn, eat breakfast when you'd rather be sleeping and then go exercise - it takes 200% motivation and determination to get my fat ass on that track in the morning and anything that goes wrong with the plan just becomes the straw that breaks the fat, lazy camel's back.  It's another excuse. 

I keep hoping I'll run out of those soon.

On the other hand, I was ecstatic when I found a way to get some much needed exercise at work.  As I've mentioned before, I work in a store.  Though I am mostly cashiering right now, I actually do a lot of odd, random jobs.  This morning, our "Cart Boy" was late for work, so I eagerly offered to do carts for a little while.  Everyone was surprised and my manager began to tell me that he thought it was too hot for me (given my size and asthma), but I begged.  So, for about 30 minutes, I corraled carts in the hot Florida heat, collecting them five at a time and walking them from the parking lot into the store where they were needed.

If my butt and thighs have anything to say about it, that has to count for something.

After work, I ran errands with a friend who is preparing for her birthday party this Saturday.  By the time I got home, it was late, I was tired and hungry and I had not prepared for my dinner, but my mother chipperly added that she had dinner waiting for me:  Country Fried Steak with country sausage gravy, mashed potatos and corn.

Three weeks ago, I would have told her that sounded incredible, then I would have eaten a very large portion and asked her if she was going to finish her plate too.  Instead, I told her that I wasn't sure I'd be able to eat it, but that I would look it up.  I went to my room, logged into myfitnesspal.com and calculated how eating the dinner she had prepared would affect my nutritional goals for the day.  Luckily, I did so well for breakfast and lunch that I could eat a healthy portion of what she had prepared and still come in under my goal for the day.

By the time I came out of my room and returned to the kitchen, my mom had put the food away, believing that I had gone to my room because  was upset.  She cleaned everything up quickly so that I wouldn't have to worry about resisting the temptation.  I thanked her again for making it and explained my calculations and she reminded me how very proud she is of me and telling me that she knows how hard it is to do what I'm doing.  All in all, it was a good dinner but a greater mom.  :o)

Alrighty all - I've finished my blogging for the day, I've prepared my food, work out clothes and alarms for tomorrow, I've found a better charger for my phone and all before 11 pm, so I think I'm going to take advantage and try to get some sleep.  The game plan for tomorrow is to once again wake up at 5 am and eat breakfast so that I can make it out onto the track just in time for daylight.  I've got my nosespray in one hand and my blanket in the other and I'm praying that tomorrow is an excuse free day.

Oh, how could I forget - TOMORROW MORNING IS WEIGH IN!  I'm trying to be realistic and remind myself that any loss is a good loss, so I shouldn't expect too much - yet I can't help but feel that the numbers are going to look good.  Can't wait - the suspense is killing me!

Day 13: Fat Bucket List

Lack of sleep is starting to get to me, so I'm pretty groggy at the moment, but I really want to write so...guess I'll just type as fast as I can and try to sneak into bed before 2 am tonight...especially considering I have to be at work at 8:45 tomorrow morning.

Soo, I seem to be a little behind.  Last night, although I had eaten frequently throughout the day and had covered all the necessities (vitamins, healthy fats, proteins, fruits, veggies, etc), I found myself more than 1,000 calories UNDER my recommended calories for the day.  Now, if you've been following my blog, then you know that I explained previously that bigger people burn more calories at a resting rate - therefore, we have a higher caloric goal when we begin losing weight.  blah, blah, blah, whatever.

So, there I was around 10:30 at night.  I've done my sunrise walk, I've managed my nutritional intake phenomenally, I've burn A LOT more calories by busting my butt during a double-shift at work (8:45 am to 10:00 pm), I'm not hungry and yet, I have an extra 1,000+ calories for the taking.

I decide that it's time for a little calculated treat.

I swear, it was like manna from heaven!
I woke up at 5 am this morning with the intentions of getting out for my morning walk earlier than I have been.  I was aiming to be walking when it was daylight out, but before the sun had actually risen over the horizon.  I figured it would be cooler then and I wouldn't have to worry about walking with the sun in my eyes.  Unfortunately, I passed out minutes after turning off my alarm.  I woke up again around 8 am and went downstairs for some breakfast, only to fall back to sleep sitting up the moment I put my bowl down.  A little after 10 am, I woke up for the third time because I was having trouble breathing.  There was this terrible chemical smell filling my house and taking my breath away.  Turns out that my neighbor was having his roof done and the tar in his driveway was infiltrating our home (I live in a townhouse.)  Having difficulty breathing while sitting still...and still struggling to keep my eyes open for more than five minutes at a time...I forewent my walk this morning.

I am mad at myself now, of course, for accepting these excuses.  Now, the week has ended and I only managed to fit in an hour of concentrated exercise.  I did my best to make up for it at work - did knee bends at my register while waiting for customers - made a point to unload their carts for them whenever possible for some "resistance training"...when I had to cover the lunch for another department, I walked laps around the area while waiting for customers.  It wasn't much...and it wasn't enough....than it was better than nothing.

Sadly, as good as my chocolate dipped McDonald's ice cream cone was last, I find that it's made my craving worse today.  I came in under my caloric goal - but just by a couple of hundred calories.  Im under my fat intake for the day, but overdid it on the carbs.  :o(  No time for regrets and feeling bad - just have to do better tomorrow.  Knowing what a splurge can do to my will power though will definitely make me think twice before I treat myself again.

Now, you're beloved ChuChi is looking for some feedback.  During my break at work, I decided to make a "Fat Bucket List".  Basically, as the fat period of my life comes to an end, there are certain milestones that I can't wait to reach.  Some are things that I have never felt comfortable doing because of my life-long battle with weight.  Some are things that I was able to do at one point, but haven't been able to for a while.  Some are actual physical milestones, others are emotional or reminiscent.  So below, I will share with you my current "Fat Bucket List".  As you read it, I'd like you to think of anything I can possibly add.  If you are overweight and have always struggled, what are the things in your life that you've put on hold for the day that you were thinner?  If you used to be thin but have gained weight, what parts of your "skinny" life do you miss and would like to do again?  Or, if you've lost weight, but things do you enjoy doing now that you missed out on as a heavier person?  If I can keep with this, there are so very many joyous things coming up for me that I want to enjoy - help me appreciate the journey I'm taking.

ChuChi's Fat Bucket List

• Feel good wearing:
• A pair of shorts
• A skirt
• A dress
• A sleeveless shirt
• A bathing suit.
• Fit comfortably on a small bench or the backseat of a car with my friends.
• Enjoy a total "Beach Day", complete with beach outfit, bathing suit, friends and swimming in the ocean.
• Go clothes shopping with my girl friends and enjoy it!
• Stop snoring/No longer need my C-Pap Machine.
• Share a bed with a friend without fearing that I am taking up too much space.
• Wear a cute belt. (With a shirt short enough that others can see it!)
• Have a comfortable plane ride without:
• Worrying that the airline might charge me for an extra seat.
• Feeling bad for the people next to me because I am taking up too much space.
• Having to request a seat belt extension.
• Eat with others without feeling self concious.
• Be able to walk and talk at the same time (Right now, I'm breathing too heavy to hold a convo)
• Buy a cute outfit that I saw on a mannequin.
• Swap/Share clothes with a friend.
• Learn how to make a healthy smoothie.
• Master a tasty, healthy dish that I can bring to pot-luck gatherings.
• Go dancing in a cute outfit with my friends and TOTALLY enjoy it!
• Sit comfortable beside friends or family:
• In a movie theater.  (Right now, I skip a seat from them to have room)
• At a play or concert. (The last few have been so tight and uncomfortable, it was hard to focus on the performance)
• Get whistled at.  (And not by a friend or family member who is just trying to make me feel good.)
• Feel good in lingerie.
• Take a sexy picture...and look/feel sexy in it!
• (Intimate goal.  :oP      )
• Fit into average size jewelery.  (non-stretchy ring, bracelet or necklace)
• Wear some type of clothing that is "One Size Fits All"
• Find an AWESOME PAIR of tall (mid-calf to thigh-high) boots that fit and look AMAZING!
• Ultimately - Wear a size 12.

Day 12: "The Walk" - An Underdog Story

Sooo....I just finished my walk, and I am FIRED UP!

Not in the happy, hyper, proud way that I was from my last walk.

NoOoOoOoO...this an angry, defiant, determined kind of adrenaline rush.

It's not bad mind you...just different.  It made my "30" minute walk feel more like one of those epic underdog athlete movies, complete with motivational freaking sound track.

BECAUSE I am particularly fired up, I may use more "colorful" language than usual so, be forewarned.

So, I get up early, eat my cereal and then set up my post-workout materials (almonds, ice water and vitamin water) while my breakfast digests.  I get dressed in the most workout appropriate clothing that I have, set up the app on my phone (FINALLY complete with my work out playlist.  :o)  And set off towards the park behind my house.

Now, if you are following my blog, then you know that my last walk was UH-MAZE-ZING!  I hauled ass, felt great, didn't get winded till about 23 minutes in, got up to 4 mph at one point and even hit the mile mark in 19 minutes.  Not bad for a chubby chick's second try.

So, I set out into the world with my head held high, ready to once again make that track my bitch.

Imagine my confusion when I start struggling for breath less than five minutes in.  I try to force myself to breathe more deeply...to concentrate on drawing in the air and exhaling slowly so that I'm breathing more efficiently but somehow, the harder I try to make it better, the worse it seems to get.

At .4 miles into the walk, I am gasping and wheezing so badly that I'm afraid I'm moments away from going into a full blown asthma attack.  I walk over to some bleachers and thread my fingers through the fencing, trying to support my upper body while I struggle to catch my breath.

And I AM PISSED!

WTH is going on?  I did everything the same as last time and that was only two days ago, so what's the problem?

This is the moment when that 1980's song "I Need a Hero" starts up.

I mumbled "Fuck this shit!" and I push myself from those freaking bleachers and force myself to march to that damn beat!

Next, a song comes on that I wasn't entirely sure about putting on my playlist to begin with, but it's appropriateness at the moment was so perfect that it must have been fate.  I'm struggling to keep up my pace, ignoring the sun above, the blue sky beyond or the bright blue lake beside me.  My eyes were burning too badly at this point to appreciate them anyway.  Instead,  I'm just staring at my feet...staring at the uneven path before me...one step at a freaking time.  One.  By.  One.

Then "If only I could get through this...I gotta get through this.  I gotta get through this!  I gotta make, gotta make, gotta make it through!  Said, I'm gonna get through this.  I'm gonna get through this!  I gotta take, gotta take my mind off of you [the gasping and wheezing].  Give me just one second and I'll be alright.  Surely one more minute couldn't break my heart."

I steady my heartbeat and try once again to focus on my breathing.  Step....Step...Step...

I come to terms with that fact that I am not going to make my 19 minute mile like last time and just do my best to maintain my speed - no slower and no faster.  Instead of worrying about my 30 minute goal, I focus on a goal of covering the same distance as last time as fast as I can.

Then, my little cardio trainer app informs me that I am at .8 miles, 17 minutes.  WHAT?!  I MIGHT BE ABLE TO MAKE MY 19 MINUTE MILE!

I bust my ass trying to get to that mile marker in two minutes.  The arms are swinging, the hips are swaying and I'm mouthing along to the words of Annie Lenox's "Broken Glass" while I curse myself.

"C'mon ChuChi!  You can do this, dammit!   Move that fat ass!  Push it girl - you hit that damn 19 minute mile!  Fuck...PUSH!  PUSH!  PUSH!"  I'm like one of the sadistic sled drivers in "Call of the Wild".  "Mush, you damn mutt!  MUSH!!!!!!"

Then, the little robotic voice reports again, without feeling:  "1 mile, 20 minutes."

ARGH!!!!!!!   I literally growled out loud and punched at the air.

There was no more push in me.  I was back to step...step..step...  One foot flopping after the other without rush.  I was happy that, no matter how terribly I felt like I was slacking, my speed never dropped below 2.9 mph and, even in exhaustion, I was still periodically getting up to 3.5 mph.  But the adrenaline rush was gone.  I just wanted to cover the damn distance and get home by that point.

Linkin Park's "Numb" began to play - the song that so powerfully energized me last time.  I sang to myself this time:  "Don't know what you're expecting of me, Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes...  (Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)  Every step that I take is another mistake to you... (Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)"

Even when the park worker on the lawn mower waved to me, I half-heartedly waved back, not really feeling it.

That was when it hit me.

I looked around the track, noting the three different, industrial sized lawn mowers I had passed as they mowed the grass around the track.  I watched as the tiny bits and pieces of grass particles blew up into the air, mixing with the wind that I had been inhaling.

I'm allergic to grass.

Truth be told, the last time I was tested, I tested postive for 79 our of 82 allergens and, of these various allergies, grass is possibly the worst one.  As a child, I was hospitalized on a few occassions after picnics and Physical Education and Camp Outs - when my lungs would sieze, my eyes would swell with yellow fluid and I would gasp for air.  I haven't thought of the allergy in quite a while as I don't come into direct contact with it quite as much as an adult - but having it blown into the air I was breathing while pushing myself through an already strenuous exercise...it not only explained my poor stamina and breathing instability, but it accounted for why my eyes were burning so terribly.

"Dammit, Heather...you just walked a 20 minute mile while damn near giving yourself an asthma/allergy attack!"

I'm tired and sadly, I don't have the happy rush I experienced last time, but I worked so much freaking harder for it today and I'm proud of myself for that.  I pushed through it - sacrificed laziness and comfort to take the faster route and the longer route and emotionally, that feels amazing.

Ironically, I still maintained an average of 3 mph - just like my last walk.  However, I covered just a *little* more distance - I reached 1.7 miles this time instead of 1.6.  It took me three minutes longer to do it, but ultimately burned 342 calories (26 more than last time).

The track almost made me IT'S bitch today, but I turned around and kicked it's ass anyways.

Booyah, track.  Boo.  Yah.

Day 11: And Stuff...

Heidy-Ho Everybody!

Woke up early for a sunrise run, but the rain not only kept me indoors, but kept me sleepy as well.  But...sleeping in is heathly sometimes too!  I'm not giving up - I've already set my clock so I can try again at 6 am tomorrow.

In the meantime, I decided to research resistance/strength training that I can do at home without having to buy any equipment.  Muscle burns more calories than fat does - even when your body is at rest.  Ergo, the more muscles I develop, the more calories I will burn when I decide to sleep in on rainy days.  :o)  Besides, I already knew that it is important to have a healthy balance of cardio and strength training when exercising, so it's all good.

So, there appear to be plenty of exercises I can do without having to buy any special equipment.  I can also recycle milk jugs to use as "weights".  One website suggested I use a gym bag as well but, seeing as how I do not have a gym bag, it seems silly to go out and buy one while trying not to waste money on "exercise equipment".  In addition, I thought it wouldn't hurt to ask local family and friends if they had any exercise gear gathering dust at home that they would be willing to donate to my cause.  So far, I've recieved a lot of free advice, but no actual donations or loans.  :oP

I've been having a terrible time getting my preferred exercise playlist onto my phone.  Sure, there's Pandora and other fitness apps that play music, but I spent so much time choosing specific songs that really motivate me and make me feel good that it is aggravating that I can't seem to get them from my computer to my phone.  Then, one of my beloved FB followers suggested MP3 Rocket.  I downloaded it tonight and DAMN - IT'S FAST! Rocket is a perfect name for it.  I tested out my phone with the music I downloaded thus far and all seems to be right with the world!  Can't wait to try it out on the track tomorrow.

Meanwhile, another beloved FB follower and honest-to-goodness, wonderful friend offered to give me a small MP3 player that she wasn't using, in case there were times I couldn't or did not want to use my phone.  Isn't that awesome!  She was so sweet - she offered it to me and then said that she would look up the brand name so that I could decide whether or not I'd want it.  Like I was honestly going to say that it WASN'T good enough.  After telling her she was a nut if she thought I was going to pass up that opportunity, she vowed to send it to me and share any music that she had available.  I am so incredibly lucky to have her on my side and only wished that she lived closer so that I could hug her more often and try to absorb some of her awesomeness.

In an earlier blog, I referenced my belief that my trouble with food lies in my mind and not in my stomach.  A momentary mental lapse this afternoon supported claim.

You see, because of my obesity, my body currently burns more calories a day than the average woman.  It makes sense, really - my body has to carry and support a lot more weight, which requires more energy  But, even at rest, my body will still require more energy to do simple tasks, such as regulating my body's temperature, pumping my blood hard enough to get through my large frame or getting the oxygen in through my stressed out lungs.  I'm like a large, poorly maintained, leaky building - there is nothing efficient about the way I use energy at this time.
Therefore, whereas the government recommends a daily caloric intake of 2,000 calories for a person to maintain a healthy weight, my diet needs currently allow me a total of 2,750 calories for one day.  This number is supposed to be approximately 500 calories LESS than my body needs for a typical day.  By eating 500 less calories, my body is required to burn off my excess fat, thereby inducing weight loss.
The past week and a half - with minimal effort - I have been easily consuming less than my recommended 2,750 calories a day.  I'm by no means starving myself - I've just been coming in below the maximum allowed.  I was thinking "This weight loss thing is EASY!  Why didn't I do this before?"

It then occurred to me that, as I continue to lose weight, my maximum caloric intake will begin to gradually decrease as well.  I'm not sure when that will begin to happen (I suppose it won't be for quite some time), but it is to be expected.

At that fleeting thought, I felt a mixture of fear and sadness.  THEY'RE GOING TO TAKE AWAY MY CALORIES!  I silently panicked.  "What else will I have to give up?  What then will I have to sacrifice?"  I had this insane urge to run to the kitchen and binge before the "Diet Gods" took those calories away from me.
When logic and rationale set back in, I felt ridiculous and ashamed for having truly given in to the illness in my mind.  At most, as I get closer and closer to my target weight, my caloric intake will decrease (temporarily) to approximately 1,500 calories.  That is - by no means - starving.  And, I have plenty of time before that point to continue expanding my taste palette and finding healthier ways to abate my appetite and please my senses.  Before I reach that point, I will have had time to strengthen my will power and I will no longer rely on snacks, sweets, junk food and soda to satisfy my cravings.
I can't begin to explain to you how quickly this all happened: the realization, panic, sadness, calculation, calming and embarrassment took less than a minute in total - but it was there.  I'm doing great and I'm not struggling or suffering in any way right now...but the illness I'm fighting is still there in my brain.  It's like they say, you never stop being an addict - you just become a recovering addict.  Whether or not I succeed in this weight loss, I will always be a fat girl.  I will always be an overeater.

Onto other things, I am currently using this website/app called myfitnesspal.com that my cousin recomended, and it is seriously my little-pocket-diet-buddy.  (You can friend me on there so that we can help each other, if you like!  Just look for ChubbyChickForCharity!)  I'm on the thing numerous times a day and it makes me feel so completely in control of everything I do.  It takes the guessing and wondering out of a lot of things so that I know exactly what I'm doing right and wrong.  Anyways, I record what I eat each day to keep track of calories, carbs, fat and protein and it calculates how many I have left for the day.  Then, at the end of each day, I save my information and it tells me "If every day were like today, you would weight ### lbs in five weeks."

After today's food entries, I came in 676 calories under my goal, and it told me I'd weigh 349 lbs in five weeks.  Now, I'm fully aware that is probably two or three of YOU, but for ME?  That would mean a total of 17.9 lbs in six weeks!  I WILL HAVE LOST THE EQUIVALENT OF A BABY HUMAN!  It's just an approximation based on the success of one day - but that little number gives me so very much hope.

For example, some friends told me they would be traveling to where I live next summer, and this happy, wonderful thought crossed my mind:  one year.  "Next Summer" is one year away.  What size would I be then?  How would I look?  How would I feel?!  Maybe by then I'll feel comfortable enough to go out and buy my first pair of shorts in 18 years!  Or, maybe I can even go to the beach with my friends in my new shorts!  The possibilities are endless!

I'm sorry - it's nearly four in the morning and I realize now that my insomnia has caused me to ramble quite aimlessly in this post.  Need to get in what little sleep I can before I go for my sunrise walk - hopefully with my awesome exercise playlist.  :o)  But before I go, I shall leave you with a little something to make you shake your head and laugh.

While researching at-home strength training exercises on YouTube, I came across this scenario:

(Sorry, I can't seem to enlarge the picture.)

As you can clearly see, I looked up an exercise called the "Chair Dip" and then watched a video called "In-Home Triceps Exercises:  How to Do Chair Dip Triceps".  As usual, when the video finished, YouTube showed me several "related" videos that I could check out next - in the middle of which was a picture of delicious chocolate covered peanut butter bon-bons!

YOUTUBE, WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?!

Just the first of many hurdles I will have to face - but I was thankful I could just shake my fist at the screen and laugh this one off.

My Goal Weight: Ideal, Average or "Happy"

"I Wanna Be A Skitch When I Grow Up!"
(In my household, that's what we call a Skinny Bitch)

As far as I can tell, I was an average sized baby and toddler until about the age of four.  I see pictures of myself and, aside from being a bit taller than my cousins and having the stereotypical "Buddah Belly" of a small child, I was a decent size.

Then, there is this picture of me at five years old in a white dress with a red sash standing in front of our Christmas Tree.  I'm sure I didn't think much of it at the time but, looking back at that picture now, it is perhaps the earliest period of my life where I hate how I look.  In other words, I'm pretty sure the insecurity had not set in yet.  I knew I was big and strong, but I don't remember focusing on my weight or appearance at that age.  It is as an adult that I look back at that little girl and feel disgusted with her weight and body shape.

My mom says that I was pretty much an average child until she ended up having surgery and being hospitalized.  I was placed in the care of my grandmother - an old fashioned Southerner who was a portly woman herself for many years before she became a diabetic.  It was while being cared for by my loving grandmother that I was given the cakes and the cookies and the candy and the potato chips and anything and everything else my little heart desired.

It was such an innocent thing, really.  A doting grandmother giving her granddaughter home-cooked meals and delicious snacks while her mother recuperated from surgery.  The higher the calories - the more rich it was in sugar and fat and carbohydrates - the more it seemed that she loved me.  There was never any malice in it whatsoever.  In fact, as I grew heavier every year and she grew thinner because of the diabetes, I'm sure it never crossed either of our minds that that was where it had all started for me.

But sure enough, my the time my mother had recuperated, the damage had been done.  I had not only inherited my paternal acclimation for fast eating and large portions, but I had inherited my maternal acclimation for snacks and sweets.

It was shortly after that Christmas picture...sometime around the age of five or six...that I can recall being on my very first diet.  All these years later, it's hard to recall what the diet was, however, I was going to the doctor every Wednesday afternoon for allergy shots.  In the lobby of the doctor's office was an elderly man named Charlie.  In my mind's eye, he sort of reminds me of Walter Conchrite in a way...though I was a little girl and that was ages ago, so I might be completely off in my recollection.

Anyways, stopping by to say hi to Charlie and talk to him was a ritual for my mother and I both before and after we took the elevator up to see my doctor.  He was a sweet, friendly, patient man...sort of a grandfather figure.  It's strange - I haven't thought of any of this in so very long and yet as I write this - I find myself digressing as these memories come flooding back to me for the first time in years.  He was so very warm and kind - he always told me I was a pretty little girl, even though he encouraged my weight loss.  He was supportive in a way that never made me feel self conscious.  I remember going in week after week and reporting what I had or had not eaten - accounting for whatever exercise I had done and accounting for my weight.  Its funny how these people get woven in and out of our lives and sometimes, we don't realize the lasting impact these tiny little interactions will have on us.   But alas, that is all I can remember from my very first experience dieting.  I can't remember how much I lost at the time, though I can remember being unhappy with it.  I quickly bored with the strict regimen and as a girl scout and the daughter of the leader - by the time cookie time rolled around, we had boxes of cookies literally stacked to our living room ceiling.

As most girls and women these days, but outlook on what was pretty and healthy became skewed.  So much so that, by the time I succeeded with Doctor's Weight Loss in my early teens and made it down to a size 12, I was still terribly self conscious.  By this time, I no longer wore shorts and had completely sworn off bathing suits, often crying myself to sleep because I was never going to be as skinny as all the other girls, and because the boys were never going to want to date a girl as fat as me.

I look back at those pictures now and feel so terribly sorry for the girl who's vision and ideals were so incredibly skewed that she couldn't see how beautiful she was.  I miss the shine in her hair and the sparkle in her eye.  I miss the way her bubble butt looked in a pair of jeans and the way the baby doll dress of the style hugged her waist just slightly.  I want to mourn the years I spent at a healthy weight loathing myself because I wasn't skinny enough.  I want to shake the hell out of her and when I realize that I can't...that it's too late and those years are gone...I just kinda want to cry.

So here I am, waging war against my weight, my gluttony, my slovenliness and looking for something postive and realistic to strive for.  I had settled on an ideal weight of 140 lbs, however, my closest friends seem to believe that would be too thin for my large, 5'8" frame.  So, I tried doing some research online.

According to http://www.halls.md/ideal-weight/body.htm

     People's Choice Weight is 222 lbs.

     The Medical Recommendation is 125 to 164 lbs.

http://www.healthcentral.com/diet-exercise/ideal-body-weight-3146-143.html says I should weigh between 164 and 180 lbs.

The Ideal Weight Calculator on Calculator.net offers several different theories:

Based on the Robinson formula (1983), your ideal weight is 138.0 lbs
Based on the Miller formula (1983), your ideal weight is 141.1 lbs
Based on the Devine formula (1974), your ideal weight is 140.9 lbs
Based on the Hamwi formula (1964), your ideal weight is 139.1 lbs
Based on the healthy BMI recommendation, your recommended weight is 121.7 lbs - 164.4 lbs

MyFoodDiary.com suggests an ideal weight of 144 to 161 lbs.

http://web4health.info/el/ed-dia-weight-ideal.htm puts my ideal weight between 122 and 166 lbs.

And still, http://www.self.com/calculatorsprograms/calculators/happyweight/ calculates that the weight I will be "happiest" at is approximately 153.5 lbs.

So, where does this put me?  At most, I should be no lighter than 121.7 lbs and no heavier than 222 lbs.  That's a 100 pound margin!  Even when you take into consideration all of these numbers, my ideal weight averages out to 142.7 lbs...which put me right back where I started - with family and friends thinking that 140 lbs sounds unrealistic for my size, age and shape.

Therefore, the only thing I can think of to strive for right now is not a weight, but a feeling.  I want to be that girl in the pictures...the girl who didn't know how very beautiful she was until it was too late.

Yep...for now, I want to be a woman who can fit into a size 12, look into the mirror and say "DAMN, I look good!"  I want to wear a size 12 bathing suit while I go swimming with my nieces.  I want to put on a pair of size 12 shorts and join my friends for the very first time when they go to the beach.  I want to wear a size 12 skirt and know when guys whistle at me - it is not because they are making fun of me (like I honestly believed at the age of 15), but it is because I look freaking HOT.

Maybe I won't be happy when I get there, at which point I will seriously need to reconsider what is and is not a realistic, ideal outlook.  Or, perhaps I'll be happy at a size 14 or 16 and decide that is where I like to be.  For now, it is all way to off in the distance for me to know for sure.

So instead, I'm striving for a size 12...for health, and happiness and to repossess the years I spent hating myself for all the wrong reasons.

IT'S ON!