It's never easy...

Remember that nice guy I told you was supporting me in my exercise and weight loss?  The one who "loved" me as I am?

He's the reason that I want to bury myself in chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream right now.

We were together less than two months and in that time, he's managed to majorly hurt me four times.  Today was the fourth and final time.  I think, what makes it so hard, is how badly he begged for me back less than a week ago, and how frequently in that week he told me that he loved me and how happy I made him.

Then...as is his habit...he broke the news to me on Facebook because he can't man up to have these conversations in person.

I was with him less than twelve hours before he did it.  Less than twelve hours before, he told me he loved me and how happy I made him and how very lucky he was...and then, he tells me that he's been on a dating site and has met somebody else and that he thinks he must be unhappy with me if he keeps looking for love and happiness elsewhere.

I know he's not the one for me.  I know, now, that this was not the relationship I was meant to end up in...but it doesn't stop it from hurting me and pissing me off to no end.  It doesn't prevent that cycle of emotions I always experience after a break up:  the hurt, anger and depression.  It doesn't stop me from wanting to self medicate with everything tasty within arms reach.

On the other end of the spectrum, my eldest niece graduated tonight.  There were not enough tickets for me to attend the graduation in person, but I had the good fortune of watching her graduate on a live steam online.

Her graduation is bittersweet for me.  Or, perhaps it is only bittersweet because of the emotional turmoil I am experiencing today.  I love her so very much and I am so very, very proud of her...but I find myself wishing I had been a better Auntie so that we could be closer at this time.

Her graduation reminds me of mine 13 years ago, and all the promise that lie before me then and all of the ways I've failed myself over and over again that have led to this point in my adult life.

Of course, I won't tell my young, intelligent, beautiful, bright-eyed niece that on her graduation day.  I'll go to BJ's Brewhouse with my 1,000 calories that I have left over on my diet plan and I'll eat the Caesar Salad that fits into my diet plan with a side of grilled chicken, and I won't devour the Pizookie's that are promising me the happiness that my "boyfriend" failed to deliver.

There is never a good time to start a diet.  There is never a right time to join a gym, or start walking, or get those damned tennis shoes that are good for you.  You just have to shut up, suck it up and fucking do it.

I can cry my eyes out on the treadmill tomorrow.