An Ode To Excuses...

As of the beginning of October-

• My mother's ankle had healed just enough to the point where she could walk and start driving again.
• My father's knee had healed well enough that he could be released from rehab.
• My job informed me that I was going to be demoted and face a drastic pay cut due to the amount of work I missed on account of my parents' injuries.
• I met a great guy and went on five wonderful dates in eight days.
• In addition, he met my parents, who really, really liked him.
• He went out of his way to treat me better than a man has ever treated me.
• He met my friends who all thought he was fantastic and already made future plans for a couples night.
• I was pulled over for having an expired tag.
• I could not, for the love of God, locate my registration information or my insurance card where I normally keep them.
• I was informed that I was driving on a suspended license for unpaid tickets that I was not aware of.
• I could have been arrested on the spot but instead, my license was taken away from me, I had to call my parents to pick me up, my car can not be driven until all of this is fixed and I earned four more tickets.

By Mid-October-

• I learned that paying the tickets, late fees, driver's courses and everything else needed to get my license reinstated and my registration renewed would cost over $1,000 (and right before the holidays hit).  Therefore, my paychecks for October were all spent before they were even earned.
• I picked up any and all extra shifts or extra hours that I possibly could in order to earn extra money and get out of this hole.  Ultimately, this means that the only time I was out of the house was spent working.
• The guy I was crazy about had some personal things he had to take care of and since I basically had nothing to offer at the time (I couldn't drive to meet him halfway, I couldn't pay for anything) - I was unable to see him for over two weeks - sending my insecurity levels sky-rocketing.
• My allergies began acting up to the point where I could not inhale through my nose at all.  Allergy medication, prescription nose spray, cold and flu meds...nothing would work long term to clear up my sinuses. 
• My mom found out that her white counts were up high and that her PTINR (blood thinner levels) were dangerously high as well.  (Her blood is now down to an acceptable level, but we are still waiting for word on what to do about her white counts)

By Late October-

•  Day after day I dealt with a nose that was simultaneously stuffy and runny. It caused my asthma to become much worse and made it impossible to get a good night's sleep.
• I was now dealing with two additional factors from all the stress:  for one, I am now clenching my teeth non-stop for almost 24 hours a day and two, I had a cold sore.
• When I finally got to see the great guy again, I was so exhausted from working 22 of the past 36 hours and being sleep deprived and stressed out that I couldn't seem to get my "head in the game".  Plus, I had a cold sore, I couldn't breathe through my nose and I had to use tissues all night long to either blow or wipe my runny nose.
• My parents discovered that my mom's insurance was dropping her because my father's company neglected to provide them the accurate documentation ahead of time.  (This has since been remedied, thank God)
• I've lost my phone and have no insurance.  My phone was what I used to update MyFitnessPal.com and the app on there is what I used to walk with to calculate my time, speed, calories burned, etc.

With all of this going on, I've just fallen into a funk that I can't seem to shake.  For anyone that's familiar with depression, I'm not *sad*...just been feeling kind of hopeless and numb...both feelings that don't bode well when attempting to lose weight.  So, I didn't.  I just stopped trying.  Stopped caring.

There were moments when I'd be strong enough to put a little umph into it.  But the moments I had the emotional aptitude to try were fleeting - none of them even lasting an entire day.  My weakest moments were early in the morning before sunrise when I'd wake up exhausted and unable to breathe and head down stairs to snack while watching television.  On other days, I'd manage to eat healthy, small portions all day long only to give in and binge as soon as the sun set.

You all know that September was rough for me but October just seemed to kick me when I was down.  I still managed to lose a few pounds; according to my October 29th weigh in, I was down from 337.9 to 325.1 pounds.  That's a total weight loss of 12.8 for the month of October, but I don't really take much joy in it because I've been totally eating unhealthy, have only exercised once or twice all month and have lost track of how many times I've binged.

I'm even more sad because I thought for sure that broadcasting my success and failure for everyone to see would make it harder for me to fail.  After all, how many people would I be dissappointing when I screwed up this time around?  But, I guess not even that is enough.  My Chubby Chasers are simply too nice, caring and supportive.  I knew I could fail and you all would just give me hugs and cheer me on, trying to motivate me to do better next month because you're all wonderful like that.

So, I was downstairs at 4 am this morning snacking on Fritos and Halloween candy while thumbing through the DVR to find something to watch.  There wasn't anything that caught my attention, so I flipped on "The Doctors" and settled into the recliner with the chips.  I remember thinking they were too freaking salty, but I kept eating them anyway.

And of course, the episode is about overwriting your genetic code to be healthier.  Eating a tablespoon less salt per day can save you from stroke or heart attack.  Children of obese parents are less likely to be obese if they participate in team sports.  Stuff like that.

The first segment features the photographer from the band "Foster the People".  The lead singer dared the photographer to lose 80 lbs in 8 months.  If he succeeds, he promised to pay him $20,000.  So, out of nowhere, this photographer has turned his life around - he's been going for walks and has filled his refrigerator with baby spring greens and broccolli slaw (both things that were in my fridge and went bad because I stopped eating them), and he's lost 13 lbs in less than a month.  Sound familiar?  And the doctors say "Well, what is motivating everyone else to turn their life around, if they're not going to get $20,000 at the end of it, too?"

And I thought to myself "I have terrific people willing to donate money to charity just to support me, and I'm throwing it all away.  I have what most people don't have, and I'm wasting that precious motivation!"

I closed up the Fritos, turned off the TV and came up to my computer to start writing to you all.  I want to be that person again.  I want to be inspirational and motivational and not some sorry loser sitting on the couch pigging out.  I wanted to write down all of my excuses to take the power out of them...those excuses have already been used.  They are past their expiration date and are no longer valid.

I'm not even waiting till "tomorrow".  So what, I started off my morning with chocolate and Fritos?  Doesn't mean I have to wait till tomorrow to get back on track!  I don't need a freaking "clean slate".  I just need to get my ass back in some sneakers and get to moving!

So what, I don't have money or a car in order to go on a shopping expedition for healthy foods?  I'll just have to make the best choices I can with what I have.

Okay, folks...I know I've "rebooted" a couple of times already...and I'm sure some of you have already given up on me, and that's okay because I gave up on me too.  But...I'm just going to have to do my best to earn you all back.  More importantly, I'm going to have to do my best to impress myself.

 

INTRODUCING CHUCHI 3.0

Wish me luck.  ;o)