What if?

I make no assumptions that, with diet and exercise, I'm going to become beautiful in the standardly accepted sense.

I'm 32 years old already.  The corners of my eyes are beginning to crinkle just a little and there are laugh lines just below my chubby cheeks.  I'm not pretending that 32 is old...but let's face it, I haven't taken care of my body and it's going to take a toll.  And sure, I often get mistaken for someone 10 years younger, but I know that will change when there is much less cellulite in my chunky face.

I have stretch marks, and my skin is already beginning to lose some of it's elasticity, which means my battle against the bulge could very well end with sagging skin to prove my success.

It is typically expected that - at my age...and having been overweight for as long as I have - some surgery will probably be necessary to remove excess skin if I should reach my ideal goal.  Although some stretch marks may be removed in the process, they will more than likely be replaced with some surgical scars.

I'm not expecting to wear bikinis or to go sleeveless.  I hold no illusions that I will become a model.  I just want to be healthy.  To feel better and, yes, I'll admit it - I'd like to look good in my clothes for a change.  I'd like to have an outfit or two that makes me feel sexy or pretty or desirable.  I'd like to have a "little black dress".  I'd like to maybe put on a pair or shorts in the summer.  Maybe...just maybe...I can get to a place where I'm comfortable enough to wear a bathing suit and t-shirt back into the pool.

I don't think that's asking for or expecting too much.

But then, there are these pictures of these women who were large, and they lost the weight and they're adorable.  You don't see any of the flabby signs of their former selves - they go sleeveless without the skin flaps that sway in the breeze or the thigh flabs that drape over their knees.

Maybe they weren't as heavy as me.  Maybe they weren't heavy as long as me.  Maybe they're younger.

But then maybe...JUST MAYBE...that could be me.

What if I could possibly achieve more than I set out to achieve?

What if, for once, I could go out with my girlfriends and be the one who gets the attention?

What if I could jump in the swimming pool...WITHOUT the extra t-shirt for coverage?

What if I could ROCK that freaking black dress so well that the guys would be drooling?

What if, for the first time in my life, I got a guys number simply because he was attracted to me?

I'm not striving for that, and I won't even allow myself to hope for it.  But tonight, for the first time, I allowed myself to dream that there could be more for me than just "being healthy" and "feeling better".   Maybe...just maybe...I could get good at this health and fitness stuff.  Maybe I could achieve more than I ever expected or hoped I could.

It's not my goal...but it's nice to accept that it's a possibility.

My future is unwritten.  I'm not just turning a page...I'm starting a whole new book, and the possibilities are limitless.

I did the math today and calculated - if I steadily lose two lbs a week without fail - I will not reach my ideal goal weight until April of 2015.  Nearly two years away.

Needless to say, I was disheartened and overwhelmed by the odds.  The journey just looks so freaking arduous and, of course, I want results now.  The thought that I have to maintain my will power for two years to get where I want to be...when my will power has been SO wavering...the whole thing just looks daunting.

But allowing myself the possibility that I could be beautiful (per society's standards) in that two years time...that I could BE somebody I've never had the nerve to be...it will all be worth it, won't it?

So, for tonight...I'm not getting my hopes up.  But, I'm relishing just a little bit in the unknown and possibilities and limitless futures and it makes what was once daunting feel exciting.

I'm going to be somebody new one day.  That package is wrapped and under the tree with a big old sign on it that reads "Do Not Open Until 2015" and you know what....I can't wait to see what's hidden inside.