First, a shout out to my Sugar Momma - Marne Rusnell - who sent me an AWESOME MP3 player for when I work out. THANK YOU, MARNE!!!! I'm so glad that she just happened to have this little gadget lying around the house, waiting to be used. How lucky can a ChuChi get?
When I started this thing, I promised to be honest. I promised to discuss the good times as well as the bad because - what better measure would you all have as to whether or not I was being truthful? My challengers are trusting me when I say that I've lost weight and they are trusting that I am giving honest, accurate information. The only way I can earn and maintain that trust is if I am upfront about my failures as well as my successes.
Therefore, today is a bad day. I've exceeded my daily calories and carbs for the first time in one month. For some reason, I've been craving dried mango and wheat thins - so that is all I've eaten this entire day. I didn't binge on it in one sitting, but I've munched on it numerous times throughout the day, returning to it again and again.
I am still struggling with fatigue, achiness, headache, chest congestion and cough due to the sinusitis and bronchitis. I returned to work today, only to be asked to cover the lunches at our front door. (We have an entrance and exit with what would be the equivalent of the Walmart Greeter at each). The first thing I noticed was that we had maintenance workers painting the front entryway, and the fumes were making it difficult to breathe. But, to make matters worse, we were hit with a terrible thunder storm with crazy winds that were blowing the rain into the store. The front vestibule became flooded, so I was struggling with a mop and bucket to clean up what I could and push the rest of it out. But, the automatic doors kept opening and closing and the gusts of wind would blow the rain inside so that - within the hour - I was steadily covered in a light sheen of rain water.
Despite the cough medicine I had taken before my shift, my chest was raspy with every breath and I began coughing till I gagged, just short of actually throwing up. I was having a terrible time getting a good breath in and, even though my manager saw me, he just asked if I was alright. When I told him I had bronchitis, he just walked away.
By the time I finished covering the shift at the front door, the supervisor asked that I cover her break. By now, the coughing was so bad that everyone in the area would gawk at me every time I had another fit. I eventually asked if I could go home early, and the manager who saw me coughing asked me "Why? I don't see you coughing now." I explained to him that I had severe congestion in my chest that was making it hard for me to breathe. My supervisor gave me an attitude, even though I went out of my way to cover my shift before I left, and went as far as to call the general manager out to complain about me.
What makes this worse is that this is a supervisor who ROUTINELY gives me the keys and makes me do her job while she sits down in the food court to socialize with other people. This is a supervisor who made me punch out early to give her a ride home and then told the managers that I made her punch out early. A supervisor who borrowed money from me three years ago and never paid me back, who asks for a ride home around midnight and then doesn't even say thank you. A woman who left home early just yesterday for no other reason than that I was available and she didn't feel like working anymore. A woman who punched out early and then sent a cashier to do her shopping, because she didn't feel like walking around the store to get her groceries.
I'm just done today. Feeling like crap is wearing me out and I don't have the energy to fight all the battles I'm supposed to fight right now.
Don't give up on me - I'm not. I knew this was going to be a long road and I knew it wasn't always going to be easy. I knew I was going to have bad days and rough patches. The difference is that this time - I know it's temporary. I know I'll get better and I'll attack my weight head on once again.
I'm sorry if I've let anyone down or disappointed you - but this is the ugly truth. It didn't take me a day to get fat and it's going to take more than a day for me to get healthy - and it's not always going to be success and sunshine and roses.
I just hope I can get over this cough and congestion soon - everything seems twice as hard with this going on - like trying to run in quick sand.
Thanks again to Marne for giving me that little bit of sunshine on an otherwise rainy day. (((HUGS)))
Giiiirrrrrl!! How can you possibly think that people are disappointed in you? You need to look at the big picture! If you are craving wheat thins and dried mangoes, that's all you eat, well, you got amazing fiber content, and mangoes help blood sugar, eyes, digestion, cancer risk, alkalizes the body, boost your immune system, etc.
ReplyDeleteAs for the job, I think one of the awesome factors of losing weight, is it boosts self-confidence, which may be something to use to get the sup in line. She owes you money. She needs to pay it back. Because it's these little things that eat away at you. If you do decide that you don't want to have her do that, then let that go, cuz it doesn't need to be eating away at you. Am I out of line here? Let me know if I am.
Aw hun....it happens. No matter what we weigh, or how fit we are, or what our situation - shit happens. The most important part is for you to not be disapointed in yourself - because you're doing great.
ReplyDeleteMarne and I have been members of Weight Watchers over the years and the most important thing they tell you is that every day is a new day (it's sort of like AA that way!). You haven't failed unless you let yesterday's stumble keep you down. So don't worry about it! Your metabolism can handle a bit of a shake up every now and then :D
Spunky - Thanks for helping me to look at the positives. As for the money, she's told me numerous times that she would give it back to me and at this point, she would probably argue that she already did. It's not the money thing, it's the fact that I've been there for her and covered her @$$ on more occassions than I care to count, only to have her turn on me when I am obviously ill. At this point, I've accepted I'm never getting the money back - but I've just reached a point where I need to count my losses on a personal level and do the bare minimum to keep myself out of trouble with her professionally.
ReplyDeleteTaryn - Thanks, that means a lot coming from you. With your challenge in tact, I was (with all due respect) getting as much money out of you as possible (for charity, of course). And this whole thing is just setting me off track miserably. I managed to tone down my mango/wheat thin kick today and came back in under calories and carbs. :o) Thanks for keeping it real.