My Goal Weight: Ideal, Average or "Happy"

"I Wanna Be A Skitch When I Grow Up!"
(In my household, that's what we call a Skinny Bitch)

As far as I can tell, I was an average sized baby and toddler until about the age of four.  I see pictures of myself and, aside from being a bit taller than my cousins and having the stereotypical "Buddah Belly" of a small child, I was a decent size.

Then, there is this picture of me at five years old in a white dress with a red sash standing in front of our Christmas Tree.  I'm sure I didn't think much of it at the time but, looking back at that picture now, it is perhaps the earliest period of my life where I hate how I look.  In other words, I'm pretty sure the insecurity had not set in yet.  I knew I was big and strong, but I don't remember focusing on my weight or appearance at that age.  It is as an adult that I look back at that little girl and feel disgusted with her weight and body shape.

My mom says that I was pretty much an average child until she ended up having surgery and being hospitalized.  I was placed in the care of my grandmother - an old fashioned Southerner who was a portly woman herself for many years before she became a diabetic.  It was while being cared for by my loving grandmother that I was given the cakes and the cookies and the candy and the potato chips and anything and everything else my little heart desired.

It was such an innocent thing, really.  A doting grandmother giving her granddaughter home-cooked meals and delicious snacks while her mother recuperated from surgery.  The higher the calories - the more rich it was in sugar and fat and carbohydrates - the more it seemed that she loved me.  There was never any malice in it whatsoever.  In fact, as I grew heavier every year and she grew thinner because of the diabetes, I'm sure it never crossed either of our minds that that was where it had all started for me.

But sure enough, my the time my mother had recuperated, the damage had been done.  I had not only inherited my paternal acclimation for fast eating and large portions, but I had inherited my maternal acclimation for snacks and sweets.

It was shortly after that Christmas picture...sometime around the age of five or six...that I can recall being on my very first diet.  All these years later, it's hard to recall what the diet was, however, I was going to the doctor every Wednesday afternoon for allergy shots.  In the lobby of the doctor's office was an elderly man named Charlie.  In my mind's eye, he sort of reminds me of Walter Conchrite in a way...though I was a little girl and that was ages ago, so I might be completely off in my recollection.

Anyways, stopping by to say hi to Charlie and talk to him was a ritual for my mother and I both before and after we took the elevator up to see my doctor.  He was a sweet, friendly, patient man...sort of a grandfather figure.  It's strange - I haven't thought of any of this in so very long and yet as I write this - I find myself digressing as these memories come flooding back to me for the first time in years.  He was so very warm and kind - he always told me I was a pretty little girl, even though he encouraged my weight loss.  He was supportive in a way that never made me feel self conscious.  I remember going in week after week and reporting what I had or had not eaten - accounting for whatever exercise I had done and accounting for my weight.  Its funny how these people get woven in and out of our lives and sometimes, we don't realize the lasting impact these tiny little interactions will have on us.   But alas, that is all I can remember from my very first experience dieting.  I can't remember how much I lost at the time, though I can remember being unhappy with it.  I quickly bored with the strict regimen and as a girl scout and the daughter of the leader - by the time cookie time rolled around, we had boxes of cookies literally stacked to our living room ceiling.

As most girls and women these days, but outlook on what was pretty and healthy became skewed.  So much so that, by the time I succeeded with Doctor's Weight Loss in my early teens and made it down to a size 12, I was still terribly self conscious.  By this time, I no longer wore shorts and had completely sworn off bathing suits, often crying myself to sleep because I was never going to be as skinny as all the other girls, and because the boys were never going to want to date a girl as fat as me.

I look back at those pictures now and feel so terribly sorry for the girl who's vision and ideals were so incredibly skewed that she couldn't see how beautiful she was.  I miss the shine in her hair and the sparkle in her eye.  I miss the way her bubble butt looked in a pair of jeans and the way the baby doll dress of the style hugged her waist just slightly.  I want to mourn the years I spent at a healthy weight loathing myself because I wasn't skinny enough.  I want to shake the hell out of her and when I realize that I can't...that it's too late and those years are gone...I just kinda want to cry.

So here I am, waging war against my weight, my gluttony, my slovenliness and looking for something postive and realistic to strive for.  I had settled on an ideal weight of 140 lbs, however, my closest friends seem to believe that would be too thin for my large, 5'8" frame.  So, I tried doing some research online.

According to http://www.halls.md/ideal-weight/body.htm

     People's Choice Weight is 222 lbs.

     The Medical Recommendation is 125 to 164 lbs.

http://www.healthcentral.com/diet-exercise/ideal-body-weight-3146-143.html says I should weigh between 164 and 180 lbs.

The Ideal Weight Calculator on Calculator.net offers several different theories:

Based on the Robinson formula (1983), your ideal weight is 138.0 lbs
Based on the Miller formula (1983), your ideal weight is 141.1 lbs
Based on the Devine formula (1974), your ideal weight is 140.9 lbs
Based on the Hamwi formula (1964), your ideal weight is 139.1 lbs
Based on the healthy BMI recommendation, your recommended weight is 121.7 lbs - 164.4 lbs

MyFoodDiary.com suggests an ideal weight of 144 to 161 lbs.

http://web4health.info/el/ed-dia-weight-ideal.htm puts my ideal weight between 122 and 166 lbs.

And still, http://www.self.com/calculatorsprograms/calculators/happyweight/ calculates that the weight I will be "happiest" at is approximately 153.5 lbs.

So, where does this put me?  At most, I should be no lighter than 121.7 lbs and no heavier than 222 lbs.  That's a 100 pound margin!  Even when you take into consideration all of these numbers, my ideal weight averages out to 142.7 lbs...which put me right back where I started - with family and friends thinking that 140 lbs sounds unrealistic for my size, age and shape.

Therefore, the only thing I can think of to strive for right now is not a weight, but a feeling.  I want to be that girl in the pictures...the girl who didn't know how very beautiful she was until it was too late.

Yep...for now, I want to be a woman who can fit into a size 12, look into the mirror and say "DAMN, I look good!"  I want to wear a size 12 bathing suit while I go swimming with my nieces.  I want to put on a pair of size 12 shorts and join my friends for the very first time when they go to the beach.  I want to wear a size 12 skirt and know when guys whistle at me - it is not because they are making fun of me (like I honestly believed at the age of 15), but it is because I look freaking HOT.

Maybe I won't be happy when I get there, at which point I will seriously need to reconsider what is and is not a realistic, ideal outlook.  Or, perhaps I'll be happy at a size 14 or 16 and decide that is where I like to be.  For now, it is all way to off in the distance for me to know for sure.

So instead, I'm striving for a size 12...for health, and happiness and to repossess the years I spent hating myself for all the wrong reasons.

IT'S ON!