Day 1: Challenge Accepted...

Losing It For Those With Nothing To Lose...
Monday, August 6th, 2012

Right now, I really wish I lived in England because "Pounds for Pounds" just sounds so much catchier...

Anyway, I am 31 year old single woman living in South Florida, and I am morbidly obese.

I hate that term, "Morbidly Obese" because there really isn't anything morbid about me.  I'm usually joking around or making a fool of myself for the amusement of others.  In fact, when asked to describe me in one word, most of my friends and family immediately think of "funny".  Not the brightest legacy in the world, but certainly a positive one.

Ironically, if asked to describe myself in one word, I'd probably rely on "unhappy".  Unhappy with where I'm at in life.  Unhappy with the mistakes I've made that have taken me from being an ambitious, optimistic, romantic young woman to being a failing, pessimistic, lonely adult.  Unhappy with my weight, my health and my appearance and unhappy about the fact that every time I've lost some weight, I've put it back on plus some.  (Wow, that DID sound kinda morbid...huh!)

At my heaviest, I weighed 390 lbs.  That was three years ago and - through a miracle and no specific effort on my part, I dropped 85 lbs.  I attributed it to my retail job, which had me doing much more physical labor than the sedentary office jobs of my past.  I plateaued at 305 lbs for over a year.  For some reason, nothing I did could seem to push me past the 300 mark.  Having not put much effort into it at that point in time, I suddenly started trying.  More exercise, slim fast shakes, counting calories, healthier foods, Alli...I threw everything I could at my weight, trying to break through the barrier - all to no avail.

On the other hand, I gained no weight during that year either.  When my efforts to lose didn't pay off, I gave in and just ate whatever I wanted.  Somehow, I thought I might be able to gain a couple of lbs and then "sneak up" on them...like that would reset my metabolism and start the weight loss again.  But, no matter how I binged or how I restrained, my weight stayed set at 305 for longer than I can rightfully remember.

It wasn't until about four months ago, after the first real relationship I'd ever had came to an end (my boyfriend was relocated due to work), that I began to notice that my clothes were shrinking.

It was the damndest thing...I'd washed them several times and they'd always fit fine but now, my size 24 jeans were getting a little snug and the t-shirts I wore on a daily basis were shorter than I was comfortable with.  Had I washed them on the wrong setting?

Then, I had to start wearing the size 26 jeans again because those damned 24's just shrunk too much for me to be comfortable.

I stepped on the scale that I had given up on because the stupid thing always said 305 no matter what I did.  It was silly, of course, because I had the same exact job and I was eating the same exact food, so it was obvious that I hadn't gained weight...but still.

I nearly cried when I realized I was back over 360.  Everything started making sense...why my seatbelt had starting feeling so much tighter on me and how booths at restaurants were starting to feel more and more cramped.  Why my asthma was getting worse again and I was more and more tired...the sleep apnea was getting worse again too.

I'm 31 years old, and I have no energy or stamina.  I get short of breath watching tv.  My knees feel like they're grinding and I'm looking towards needing knee replacements at a much earlier age then both of my obese parents.  I sweat with the most limited of exertions and I can no longer shop for clothes because most "plus size shops" only go up to 28 or MAYBE a small 30/32.

I'm past the 3x's now.  At a recent 80's themed party, I went as a Rubic's Cube.  Not because it was creative, funny and unique, but because I couldn't find a damned thing to wear for a 1980's outfit and because, rather than being embarrassed or left out, I thought it would be better to make people laugh.

They did.  My costume was the hit of the party and I adored the laughter and the compliments.  But for part of me, trying to maneuver around the crowded rooms in that cardboard box was like a metaphor for my life.  Trying to hide the fat.  Not really feeling comfortable or fitting in.  Carrying around this excess and standing out for all the wrong reasons.

I used to be very active...back when I was only obese and not morbid.   I lead a charitable life that made me feel good about myself.  But, getting stuck in the rut of adult life has taken that away from me.  Lately, I've been wanting desperately to find a way to become more generous with my time...to give my life meaning and purpose.  "If only I could lose weight, I could be more active again", I ho-hummed while on break from my dead end job.  "But, I have no will power", I sighed, instantly defeated.  If only there were someone else to hold me accountable...

That was when it hit me.  My friends are incredibly creative, generous and charitable as well.  What if I could get my friends to challenge me to lose weight?  They would create the terms:  They would specify how much weight I had to lose in a given amount of time and, if I succeeded, they would make a donation of their choosing to a charity in my honor.

IT WAS PERFECT!

The challenges would give me shorter term goals that would make the weight loss ahead of me much less daunting.  In agreeing to these public challenges, I would be making myself accountable to someone else, making it much more difficult to cheat for fear of looking bad or failing.  I was also now accountable to the charities because their donations relied on my success.  One of my biggest set backs has always been "Those chips look soo good...how much would they really hurt me in the long run?"  And of course, they add up.  However, if that one bag of chips might possibly mean the loss of a $25 donation to a worthy cause, I'm much more obliged to pass it up.

Don't misunderstand...I'm ultimately losing weight for me.  I'm far too senstive, defensive and insecure about my weight to broadcast it as a public topic for conversation if it wasn't seriously something I wanted to do for myself.  However, there is nothing wrong with realizing that my weakness lies in will power and accountability and finding a way to help myself enforce that.

Since about noon today, I thought of this idea, suggested it to friends and posted it on FB and I've recieved my first two challenges.  My friend M.A. has challenged me to lose as much weight as I can from now through February, and she will donate $1.00 per pound lost to benefit Operation Smile.  It is a very generous offer, if I am to be as successful as both she and I are hoping I will be.  Another friend, A.S., has pledged $25.00 to the charity of my choice if I can lose 15 lbs by the end of November, and furthermore, she has offered to double it if I can lose 20 lbs by that date.  Double for five extra pounds!  Have I mentioned how much I love my friends?

Despite their generosity, I am kind of hoping I can find someone to challenge me just for August so I have a shorter term goal to work towards.  If you are interested in being one of my challengers, we'll work off the honor system.  I promise to be honest on here about my diet, exercise, current weight, weight lost and any images I post if you'll stick to your word and follow through on your end if I succeed.  Worse case scenario, if I'm not trustworthy, you've at least made a tax-deductable charitable donation and if you're not trustworthy, I've lost some weight!  lol  What is there to lose?

So, for this blog, my charity of choice for August is the ALS Association, in memory of Barbie Mahoney, who passed away from the disease early last week.  Although I never had the privilege to meet Barbie, she was important to people who are important to me and therefore, in lieu of flowers, I am attempting to raise as much money towards finding a cure as possible in honor of the Mahoney Family.

So, will you challenge me for the month of August?  And, if I beat your challenge, how much would you be willing to donate to the ALS Association?

You can't see it, but there is a decimal point there...that's not 3,664 lbs...yet.